Saturday, June 19, 2010

Poor

Saturday night's Suxcast found weatherhorse Andrea Rich warning of rain on Sunday and urging those going to the College World Series to take an umbrella to the game.

Only problem with this advice? Umbrellas aren't allowed in the stadium.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Shazam!

You can take the girl out of Joplin, but you can never quite flush Joplin out of the girl.

Channel Sux's farm-report-caliber morning anchorette Malorie Maddox, filling in on the midday news for Jimmy Thiedlecki on Tuesday, referred to Michigan Senator Carl Levin (sounds like "eleven" without the first e) as Carl "luh-VEEN."

Anyone following national news for more than a few months would recognize the man's name; he's been in the Senate for 32 years. That, of course, explains why Maltard had no clue.

Remember, they're the news you trust.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Snicker

Exhibiting its talent for 24/7 bumbling, Channel Sux went dark Saturday night from approximately 11:00 to 11:15.

They're quick to boast that they're available on the internet and on your phone. Now all they need to work out is how to stay on television.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Flickering

The bad news: ThuckthNewthe Anchor Jimmy Thielecki returned from vacation Friday morning.

The good news: Channel Sux has been off the air intermittently all day, so those staying with the station saw more dead air than they saw of lithpy Jimmy and his annoying little sidekick, Maltard Maddox.

The station promos promise that viewers can count on SuxNews, but they omit the rest of the sentence, which should add "to overhype ourselves to the point of ridiculousness and then stumble and bumble our way through even the simplest tasks."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Backwards

We can remember a simpler, gentler time: an era when there were only three or four stations to choose from, when professionally-produced national newscasts were delivered by trained, serious journalists. In those days, national news was a once-a-day treat, and most of the really stupid stuff we saw on TV was produced by rubes at local stations—stations that were on the air maybe twenty hours a day.

Unfortunately, those days are gone.

Local TV still has a remarkable capacity for airing worthless programming, most of it thrown together by nitwits and bimbos who couldn't have gotten even an interview with their current stations 25 years ago, much less an anchor job. Despite all the technical improvements and 21st century gadgetry, local news is more vapid and useless than ever.

One example of this trend involves having news anchors encourage viewers to post comments online regarding a given topic. That, one might think, would be pointless enough. But rather than stopping there, said anchors go on to give the resulting posts a cold, on-air reading.

The reading usually sounds something like, "Umm, Noreen writes, 'This is what we get for fluoridating the water!'And, uh, Delmer says, 'I think the feminists are trying to steal my socks,'" when the topic is the College World Series. It's the sort of moronic drivel that, in the old days, would have been reserved for the KFAB Comment Line.

Locally, this mental novocaine first appeared where most local idiotic features originate: SuxNews. Unfortunately, before long, KETV was making its anchors read viewer posts to the station's Facebook page.

Even more disturbing is that the ineptitude and vacuousness of local stations seems to be seeping upward into national outlets, in the same way that excrement climbs  into a house when there's no backflow preventer on the sewer pipe. Seeing this inanity on outlets like CNN, MSNBC, and even an occasional network news program is especially troubling.

Here's what news directors (and the clueless consultants who pull their strings) don't seem to get: We tune in to news programs because we want to hear from people who know more than we do and who have actually located facts in an attempt to make sense of what's going on in the world. We want to articulate, educated, clear-thinking grownups to keep us up to speed on current events.

If we want half-baked theories, mundane observations, and irrelevant gripes, we can go down the street and visit our dumbass neighbor—the one with the unpainted house, who's in his eleventh year of building a retaining wall in his backyard and whose driveway features a rusting pontoon boat, half a decaying swingset, a faded Tilt-a-Whirl sign, and a maroon conversion van sporting Oregon license plates. Or we can go to a Tea Party gathering.

In other words, we want these dolts to take the time they waste reading online postings and, instead, give us meaningful info in a coherent manner.

Is that asking too much?

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

#@&$! Where You Live

SuxNews seldom fails to delight with its coverage of storms. While KETV gives us live video of trees being tossed about, Channel Sux airs Jimmy Thiedlecki's photos of a privacy fence that fell over or Maltard Maddox's breathless account of her patio furniture blowing around.

But Tuesday's highlight was anchor Tracy Madden blurting out an expletive while waiting for J-Tard Knicely, a climatically aroused Jim Flowers, or the station's technical crew to do their jobs. Enjoy it over and over again here.
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