Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Fever

It appears that only NPR-affiliate KIOS-FM has the one rational news crew (probably two people) in the city.

On its Tuesday afternoon newscast, the KIOS newsreader noted, quite accurately, that hot weather at this time of year in Omaha is NORMAL. There was even a soundbite or two of a National Weather Service meteorologist confirming this discovery.

You wouldn't know it from watching any local TV station.

All three (four, if you count what's left of KPTM) had reporters and weatherguessers carrying on as if it were raining fishes and the streets were filled with Maalox.

It's basically the same hysterical shtick that grips stations when it snows or gets cold during the winter, but, for the love of God, everyone's irritable enough as it is; do we really need some bird-brained rookie reporter showing us what box-fans and sweaty fat people look like?

Is it essential to a station's mission to tell people how to dress or to stay hydrated? It seems unlikely that even a diehard Channel Sux viewer is out mowing the front yard in a parka and long-johns or depriving himself of liquids because he thinks it'll cool him off.

For cryin' out loud, news directors: people are being shot with frightening regularity, the city is facing a financial crisis, every friggin' road in town is blocked by construction barricades, the College World Series is in town, gas prices have been soaring, Ed McMahon is dead, and all you can come up with is "experts" who say it's a good idea to avoid wearing black and weightlifting in the afternoon sun? These stories are only a half step above an insipid "live chat" with viewers.

Just this once, how 'bout you surprise us and, oh, say, do your jobs?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Maltard Word of the Day

KAH-mer: more sedate (Example: "Theens are metch kahmer today, aren't they, Restee?")

Friday, June 12, 2009

Bubbles

Having combed through the responses we received, both via comment and email, we've taken the best, done a little consolidation and embellishment, and applied them to the SuxNews Facebook photo. See what you think.
P.S. No matter what anyone says, those are man-hands.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Caption

Time for a little reader fun.

Use the comment feature to suggest an appropriate caption for this photo from the SuxNews Facebook page. (Is it an optical illusion or is Maltard a little stout in this pic?)

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Exploitation

Two of the features on the inexplicable website set up for former anchor Pat Persaud on the Channel Sux "web channel" remind us that no one in Omaha broadcasting has ever been more willing to pimp out her family to further her career (if you consider her stupid little website an extension of her career, of course).

"Pat's Personal Pics" includes lots of snapshots of her kids standing with tennis rackets in front of their bzillion dollar home, scuba diving, fishing, and throwing gang signs with their very white friends. The video section includes shaky footage of her sucking down homemade hooch with her husband, Lumir, and scenes from her cousin's Hindu wedding.

What on earth would Pat put on her page if she were an orphan or a spinster?

Ol' Turkey Neck puts the Pat in pathetic.

Baffling

Wednesday night's big announcement regarding a "familiar face" returning to Channel Sux was even less worthy of airtime than one of their inane live chats. For those of you who can't stand the suspense, the upshot of the whole thing appears to be that creepy, cougary-looking former anchor Pat Persaud now has a webpage.

Anchor Tracy Madden and puffy fill-in-for-J-Pa Brian Mastre seemed disproportionately delighted in making the announcement, which included a live remote featuring Queen Pat swilling wine in her kitchen.

Claiming that her drinking stemmed from her nervousness about the announcement (eye-roll), Pat screeched "How are you guys?!" at Madden and Mastre at least twice while trying, in her typically bumbling fashion, to explain the point of her "In Touch" webpage.

A quick look at the site reveals more of what we've come to expect from TV in general and Channel Sux in particular—lots of style and little substance. Perhaps most representative is Pat's blog, which is filled with riveting accounts of Governor Dave Heineman's 61st birthday party and Pat's life since "retiring" four years ago.

The quality of the writing is roughly that of a 15-year-old girl. For example, the latter post contains 25 lines of copy and 20 exclamation points. And Pat doesn't seem to realize that the contraction for "it is" requires an apostrophe. (Officials at Morningside College must cringe every time Pat mentions having a degree from there.)

We just cringe every time we see her tiny, wrinkly, scantily-clad frame on the TV—and now, computer—screen.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Crap

Channel Sux is promoting tonight's newscast with word of "a familiar face" returning to "the Channel Six family" and the phrase "in Touch" scrawled across the screen.

Brace yourselves.

This can only mean that turkey-necked crone, former anchor Pat Persaud, is resurfacing with some sort of human interest feature—an idea ripped directly off of KETV's repurposing of Julie Cornell after she stepped down from her anchor spot.

Will Queen Pat still have her glum expression that looks like an upside-down smile? Will she still stumble through stories and sound like the laziest woman in television? Will she still wear excessively revealing clothing suitable only for women thirty years younger?

It may not be good, but it'll probably worth a laugh or two.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Buy

In addition to using its online chats to avoid covering news, WOWT is now using commercials disguised as news. Two great examples showed up on Monday's 6 p.m. broadcast.

First, Tracy Madden gleefully informed us that Omaha again has a Mitsubishi car dealership after a grim two-month drought. There was b-roll and interview clips with a salesman about how great the new outfit is. How much do you suppose the dealer had to spend to get this freebie?

The second newsmercial originated in the Ejacuweather Authority corner, with the announcement that viewers can now pay get emails, phone calls, and text messages when they're about to be hit by severe weather.

That's right—Channel Sux is now selling its weather alerts, for a $9.95 annual fee. There was no mention if these alerts will be more accurate or available than what's doled out to us poor saps who rely on the free info.
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