Monday, March 30, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

DIFF-urnt: not the same (example: "I like to find a diffurnt word to mangle every day.")

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

GEV-er-mint: organized authority (example: "Kawngriss is part of the gevermint.")

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

ket: open or divide with a sharp instrument (example: "I ket myself with the pocketknife.")

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

(submitted by an alert reader)

sir: conduit (usually underground) for drainage and waste (example: "Oh no! The sir backed up into my basemint!")

Monday, March 23, 2009

What?

The gap between the quality of Channel Sux and that of KETVNewswatch7 is never more apparent than in the midst of a tornado warning like the one issued for Omaha on Monday afternoon.

On Channel 7, chief guesser Bill Randby switched calmly between the station's clearly superior radar and its several live cams. Particularly helpful were shots from the 88th and I-80 unit, one at 90th and Dodge, and, best of all, from atop the station's tower at 72nd and Crown Point. For several minutes, Randby and John Campbell monitored a low-hanging cloud that appeared to be trying to organize itself into a funnel. Long after the storm had passed over the city, Randby started showing hail pictures—something that didn't seem particularly necessary.

Meanwhile, over at the "Weather Authority," chief Ejacucaster Jim Flowers spent most of his time either prattling excitedly about radar images or admitting that he couldn't tell much about a potential tornado based on a still photo sent in by a viewer. Every now and then, want-wit anchordolt John J-Tard Knicely would announce some version of the following:
"I just spoke with someone in ____ (Gretna/Blair/Waverly/Pisgah) and it was ____ (raining/hailing/ not doing much) and the sirens were (on earlier/going off now/hadn't sounded), and that was just ____ (seconds/minutes) ago."
We can only guess that upon hearing a town mentioned, J-Tard just starts dialing numbers from its phone book and hoping that "someone" will answer.

Other "assets" in the BigSux arsenal:

--A dashboard "Live Webcam" shot from Gary Smollen as he drove down a road in Cass County, where nothing had happened in at least 45 minutes;
--MalTard Maddox yammering about the "hell" she had witnessed out near Elkhorn, which sounded ominous until it became apparent that she was trying to say "hail";
--And there were assistant ejacucaster Andrea Rich and Tracy Madden, frantically reading what viewers were pecking out on the "SixOnline Live" chatroom. ("Viewers are reporting branches falling!" we heard more than once.)
--At 6:08, we were treated to a gallery of photos sent in by SuxNews viewers of hail "capable of damaging what-have-you."

Oh no! Anything but damaged what-have-you!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Revelation

This week's "High School Cribs" segment, featuring SuxNews morning bimbo Mal-Tard Maddox, showcased Papillion-LaVista High School, where Mal-Tard was excited to find Spanish classes and the same "ro-BAW-tics" classes that so amazed her when she visited "BIN-sun" High School a month or two ago.

Putting Mal-Tard on this series makes perfect sense: stories about high schools being delivered by someone with high school-level reporting skills and a high school cheerleader mentality. It's genius!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Oops

Why, when story after story had mentioned that actress Natasha Richardson had been flown to a New York hospital, did Brandi Peterson open her report on Richardson's death begin, "Sad news coming in from Hollywood tonight..."?

Do news people ever actually pay attention to what's going on in the world?

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

Words, actually...

kawlidge hewps: focus of March Madness

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Thud

With no snow likely between now and the start of spring (which SuxNews Weather-Authority-Ejacucaster Andrea Rich on Sunday said "will sprung" by Friday), let's see how "Jim's Winter Forecast" and "Bill's Winter Forecast" held up.

Back on November 17, Jumpy Jim Flowers went out on a limb and predicted that we'd receive between 28 and 32 inches of snow during the winter (the average winter snowfall is 30 inches). Six days later, KETV's Super-Doppler-Radar-Guesser Bill Randby warned that we'd accumulate somewhere in the neighborhood of 23 to 27 inches. 

Well, according to the National Weather Service, Mr. Randy was closer; Omaha's snowfall total for the winter is 20.8 inches.

If you're gonna proclaim yourself "The Weather Authority," and have the audacity to think you can predict weather for a four-month period, shouldn't you finish higher than second in this contest?

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

gayng: organized group of criminals (example: "Wasn't Robert Ford a member of the Jesse James gayng?")

Monday, March 16, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

AW-skers: motion picture awards

Hope

An alert reader sends us this link to an article regarding companies that Moody's rating service has listed on its "bottom rung." The article says companies on this list have a high risk of default. One company on the list is the owner of Channel Sux: Gray Television Inc. 

In this small nugget of information resides our only hope that WOWTard will finally unload J-Pa Knicely's bloated salary from its books and shove him, at long last, out the door and off the air.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Maltardism

SuxNews Amazing Bimbonic Anchorette Mayellorie Maddox Wednesday morning read a story several times regarding the Infinite convenience store that was denied a liquor license. Her pronunciation? "IN-fuh-night."

Them big-city words shore is hard to say!

Back to the farm, Ellie-May.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Arf

The crackerjack news team at WOWTard slapped together quite a series of stories for Tuesday night's 10 o'clock newscast.

Ann McIntyre reported on a man who tried to get a ball out his dog's gullet, only to be bitten by the dog. J-Pa Knicely even held up a ball to show us what the ball looked like. It was round. And yellow.

Then Mike McKnight used his sharply honed journalistic instincts to reveal that dangerous deer are lurking near the Platte River between Omaha and Lincoln. And they're going to kill us.

After a commercial break, J-Pa took up his post at the "Dot-Com Center" to prattle cluelessly about a link on the station's "Webchannel" about recalled refrigerators. They might kill us if the deer don't.

After some quick blather from Tracy Madden about a convenience store liquor license dispute that Channel Sux has done at least a half-dozen stories about, Cornpone Jimmy Thiedlecki shouted out a "Cone-Zthone" warning about road work being done between Sunset Avenue and Morningwood Lane or some-such remote location. Good thing he told us about that. We could've been killed.

Such is the news you get when you rely on the Big Sux.
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