Friday, February 20, 2009

Wherefores


• Why did the hair of Channel Sux bimbo Mayellorie Maddox change colors thrice this week? On Tuesday, it was bleach-blonde. On Wednesday, light brunette. Thursday brought a compromise between the Tuesday and Wednesday shades. And by Friday, she was back to bleach blonde. Did someone's paws inadvertently grab the wrong shade of Miss Clairol?

• Speaking of Maladroit, what did she find "cool" about Brownell-Talbot in this week's "High School Cribs"? A robot-building science project and a jazz band. Wow. How cutting-edge.

• Why was KETV running this stock quote on Wednesday? 






















"Problem is," the alert reader who sent this notes, "Alltel was taken private at $71.50/sh. In November. 2007."

• Ever the copycats rather than innovators, Channel Sux now appears to be following Action 3rd's lead by staffing its newscasts with two on-air meteorologists several times over the past week. 

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Left

KETV reporter Owen Lei has left the station for Seattle's KING-TV. A graduate of Northwestern University's prestigious journalism program, Lei had been with the station since 2006.

His departure is a loss for the station and for Omaha news, in general.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Why?

During a writer's strike back in the late 1980s, David Letterman employed a segment entitled, "Hal Gurnee's Network Time-Killers" (Hal Gurnee was his longtime director). 

Now, twenty years later, Channel Sux has developed its own, albeit less entertaining, version: sixonline LIVE.

This handy feature brings together online chatting and local TV news, two things that go together like power tools and cranberries.

The whole thing works like this: SuxNews anchors announce excitedly that they've opened up the live chat on the "webchannel." A dozen or so idiot viewers then jump on their computers and start typing in things like, "Bring on Webber!!!!" and "I love John and Tracy!"

Then, rather than having to read boring old news stories, the aforementioned anchors chatter pointlessly in a postage-stamp-sized corner of a split screen showing the live chat as it's updated. Not that you can read much of what's on there. But that seems beside the point.

Now, we've seen a lot of stupid shit out of this station. LOTS of stupid shit. But this takes stupid to new levels of smelliness.

It's hard to imagine how this latest desperate attempt at relevance came to be. How many meetings between SuxNews management, consultants, and engineers did it take to come up with this gimmick? What can that discussion have been like?

The more these people try to get technologically "with it," the more they sound like George W. Bush discussing "The Google," and "rumors on the Internets."

Even more irritating is the fact that they can invest so much time and energy into this kind of worthless stunt, when they can't quite manage to get Maladroit Maddox to understand that it's called an economic downturn, not a "turndown," or get Cornpone Jimmy Thiedlecki to realize that Grand Island isn't "all the way across the state."

WOWT is one station that needs fewer time-killers and more bad-idea-killers.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Snow

Let the wagering begin. Snowfall predictions from Omaha stations, as posted on their websites at 9 p.m. Wednesday...

Channel 3:  4-8"
Channel 6:  5-10"
Channel 7:  4-8"
Channel 42:  No guess

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Third

Well, it appears that the poor folks over at Action 3rd News are trying to do something with their morning show.

First, as we've already mentioned, former SuxNews 4 p.m. anchor Sheila Brummer is back in town, having apparently been hired to replace the lethargic Kerri Stowell, whose fate is unknown (at least to us). And, as surprised as we are to see these words crawling onto the screen as we type them, Brummer isn't so bad.

On this program, she comes across as pleasant and articulate, with little of the smarmy saccharine pap that was characteristic of her work at the Big Sux. Like her former co-anchor at Sux, Brian Mastre, Brummer is inexplicably more palatable in the morning, if only because she's such an improvement over the hillbillies working opposite her at Sux.

However, the strangest thing about the new-look Channel 3rd morning program is why, exactly, they've added a second meteorologist to the mix. That's right—two meteorologists.

Now, not only is "C.T." Thongklin jabbering about the weather, so is Dean Wysocki

Our guess is that somebody in Urinal Broadcasting management said, "We need more people on the morning show," and, after dozens of meetings and brainstorming sessions, the verdict was that, instead of hiring someone to join the team, the cheap and clueless thing to do would be to use someone already on the payroll. And Wysocki drew the short straw.

Not that anyone asked, but we think it might have been better strategically to tap sportsdouche Travis Justice for the spot. With 3rd's morning numbers already in the crapper, fewer viewers would be subjected to ol' Trav, and the station could kill time by having its biggest gasbag share his half-baked opinions in a commentary segment reminiscent of his now-defunct "For What It's Worth" feature. 

Because Travisty is as irritating as five or six normal humans, the show would seem like it had a cast of eight or ten. And if people can stomach Jimmy Cornpone in the morning, Trav might give him and Mayellorie a run for their money in the coveted shit-for-brains demographic.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Picture

Crawl on this morning's SuxNews Playbreak with Captain Jimmy Cornpone and his dizzy li'l sidekick, Mayellorie

     "Pit bull strangles itself to death while attempting apprehension with catchpole."

If we've told the Nebraska Humane Society once, we've told 'em a hundred times: Never let pit bulls play with the catchpole. They always end up trying to apprehend things and strangling themselves. To death.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Dorks

First, Channel Sux decided to rename what everyone else on the planet would call its website; they started calling it their "web channel."

Then they put a computer on a desk and started referring to it as "the dot-com center."

Now, an alert reader points out another classic Suxism: they've started using Google Maps in their coverage and calling it their "news navigator."

No other station in Omaha can touch Sux when it comes to playing "pretend." 

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

J-Tard

Besides seeming too lazy to pre-read his copy, it appears empty-headed SuxNews anchor J-Pa Knicely is trying to lighten his workload by eliminating syllables from things he's required to say.

His references to the "Weatherthority," and pronunciation of  the station's call-letters as "Dubya-Dubya-Tee," suggest that the market's most overpaid waste of space could eventually get through an entire 'cast by uttering only a few grunts and chuckles.

Seriously, though, how long until the station's owner, Gray Television, Inc., cuts this windbag's expensive salary out of its budget? Given that its stock has dropped from $7.39 a year ago to just $0.47 on Wednesday, the clock must be ticking. Even the dolts who run Channel Sux should be able to do that math.

Ends

Maniko Barthalemy's pic has disappeared from the Channel Sux website, er, webchannel. That leaves the station with exactly ONE on-air personality who is not white. Apparently Sux management believes that diversity is an old wooden ship.

• Cross-eyed former SuxNews anchor Sheila Brummer has surfaced on Action 3rd's morning program, ostensibly filling in for what's-her-face with the lips that appear to be collagenated. Leave it to 3rd to pick up Sux's trash.
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