Thursday, December 31, 2009

Leaving

We've been inundated with reports that KMTV sports director Travis Justice is leaving the station (and broadcasting), effective January 10th. Depending on how his spot is filled, this could be a boost for the kids at Channel 3rd.

Additionally, Channel Sux sports reporter/anchor Merlin Klaus is said to have tendered his resignation again, this time to take a job with Douglas County. We have not heard what his duties there will be. If we had the power to fire everyone at WOWT, Klaus is one of about three people we'd keep. So his leaving makes perfect sense. Can you imagine having to tell people Ross Jernstrom is your boss?

As one alert reader notes, the last half of 2009 has been marked by turnover at local sports desks. KETV lost Matt Schick to radio over the summer, and WOWT's Dave Webber semi-retired in the fall to spend more time doing dental insurance and car commercials.

Isn't it about time for Ann Schatz to resurface?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Two front teeth

Channel Sux's Jimmy Thiedlecki is, indeed, the Ghost of Christmas Stupid.

During Tuesday's morning program, Jimmy reported that New York EMS workers were facing questions after refusing to help a woman who "allegedly died."

God bleth uth everyone!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Test?

Is John Knicely mentally retarded?

During Wednesday's 6 p.m. newscast, Channel Sux's lead anchor read a story about the death of Walt Disney nephew Roy Disney. J-Pa actually said that Roy "was seven years younger than his father and uncle."

Really. Can't anyone in management come up with a better way to allocate SuxNews salary dollars?

Based on a report from an alert reader, at least something's going right at that joke of a station. During Wednesday's midday time-waster, a penguin improved the quality of the broadcast by taking a dump on Jimmy Thiedlecki.

It seems only fitting that the source of so much on-air shit would be the recipient for once.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Dewey Defeats Truman

Congrats to SuxNews twits, led by fill-in amateur anchorette Ann McIntire, who proclaimed the Cornhuskers Big 12 football champions during the last 10 seconds of Saturday's 10 p.m. newscast. (The Huskers lost the championship game to Texas by a score of 13-12, on a bizarre, last-second field goal.)

Several KETV staffers appeared to be trying out for jobs at Channel Sux as they attempted to air live coverage of coach Bo Pelini's news conference.

On three occasions, viewers were told they were about to see Pelini, which turned out to be true. The only problem was that, each time there was a shot of Pelini speaking, there was no accompanying audio.

A flummoxed on-the-spot sports anchor John Schuetz, in-studio news anchor Todd Andrews, and totally overmatched in-studio pubescent sports anchor Steve Henneberry bumbled and fumbled for at least two minutes until someone finally managed to locate the audio controls.

Watching this display was almost as comical as that of a week earlier, when after the Huskers defeated Colorado, Channel 7 remote reporter Matt Schick's standups were enhanced by a drunken fan who repeatedly mouthed to the camera that Schick was a tool and flashed a "camel-toe" hand gesture. No matter how tight the camera shot got, the inebriated Husker-supporter managed to elbow his way onscreen.

Give that man another beer. He probably needs it after Saturday's game.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Scratch

There was "breaking news" in the "Heartland" Thursday night at 10, when "the people we know" dispatched their crack news team to deliver live coverage of what reporter Justin Joseph called "a massive rescue effort."

He was referring, of course, to the case that riveted the city—a cat trapped in a drainpipe.

Tracy Madden even ended the newscast with promises of updates first thing Friday on "Daybreak" with Jethro Thiedlecki and Jethrine Maddox. (What—no wall-to-wall coverage?)

Are we the only ones who see another Edward R. Murrow award on the horizon?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Brace

As bad as SuxNews programs have been all week, we may look back on them fondly after the newscasts this evening. If, as has been the case the past two weeks, the embarrassingly under-qualified Nadia Singh is anchoring, we could be in for a real treat.

Even before the big switch, Singh's Friday 'casts were riddled with miscues and dead air. Add all the new "software problems" that have plagued the station this week, and it is not unthinkable that Channel Sux could air entire blocks of totally incoherent fumbling during every scheduled news-hole.

DVR it if you can. You'll be glad you did.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wild

Maltard Maddox's hard-hitting "High School Cribs" segment Thursday morning featured Millard West High School.

Of course, it wasn't cued up at the scheduled time. Maltard assured viewers that they could just watch it on the "web-channel."

The Suxers ended up running the piece several minutes later, and boy are we glad they did. Otherwise, how would we have learned that Millard West has, according to the principal there, "about four" pep rallies per year?

Riveting. Is the inanity of this weekly segment also the result of a software glitch?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Listen

Highlights from Wednesday's 10 p.m. SuxNews televised rehearsal:

• Bad audio was the theme of this broadcast. There was a persistent scratchy sound, particularly when J-Pa Knice-rug and Merlyn Klaus were speaking. And for some reason, when they switched from Klaus's b-roll back to a shot of him standing next to the anchor desk, Klaus's mike dropped out and his voice was reduced to a faint echo.

• When Tracy Madden tried to intro Maltard Maddox's hard-hitting report on coupons, she was cut off mid-sentence.

• J-Pa contributed his trademark blunders. He struggled with the word "Caribbean" ("kuh-RIB-in," he said haltingly). And when Klaus finished his sports segment by noting that the Yankees were losing to the Phillies in the ninth inning, J-Pa responded that "our sources tell us they've now entered the ninth inning."

Perhaps J-Pa's whole career has been the result of software bugs.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Panic

This pitiful apology from SuxNews was brought to our attention by an alert reader.

Who implements a whole new system of any kind without testing it first?

Besides SuxNews, we mean.

Correction

The "Leno effect" may be secondary in the sinking of SuxNews in the ratings.

Monday night's HD debut was a disaster, plagued by even more technical incompetence than usual. As many commenters have pointed out, cameras were off-the-mark and on-the-move at all the wrong times, there was more dead air than could be found in a mausoleum, and Tracy Madden's head appeared to be a giant ball of light.

All this, combined with the usual incompetence of the talent at Sux, resulted in a newscast described by some alert readers as "unwatchable." The effort was every bit as bad as what might have been seen on KPTM for most of the past fifteen years, if not worse.

The sad, but not surprising, thing is that no one seemed to learn from the mistakes: this morning's "Daybreak" offering—a flub-fest, even on its best days—exhibited most of the same difficulties that were so visible last night.

If every employee at WOWT isn't embarrassed beyond belief, they should be.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Drop

Will a weak Jay Leno lead-in be the final straw that causes the collapse of the SuxNews 10 p.m. ratings?

This NY Post story certainly suggests that possibility.

November sweeps should be interesting. Even HD might not save the BigSux this time.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Repel

Breaking news just in to the SuxNews Daybreak newsroom: Nadia Singh's live reports while standing in the rain this morning suggest that blue eye shadow—when applied in heavy doses—is, indeed, waterproof.

Maybe Maltard Maddox can use this info for one of her nasally "consumer" reports.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Upgrade

An alert reader informs us that the work on the SuxNews set is being done in preparation for the station's plan to go HD with local programming in time for the November sweeps.

Seeing some of the SuxNews team do their jobs badly in HD may be more than most viewers can stomach. For instance, will we be able to see the spit fly out of Jimmy Thiedlecki's mouth as he lisps his way through the morning drivel? Or will the glue holding down J-Pa's toupée be visible? And don't even get us started on weatherguesser Seabiscuit Rich.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Fake

Why were the SuxNews anchors delivering their drivel from in front of a green screen on Tuesday?

Is their barely-a-year-old set being revamped already? Or did the bank repo it?

It's bad enough watching their mostly pretend anchors deliver a pretend newscast. Seeing them do it in front of a pretend set is more than we can handle.

Nose

Can someone please explain the surreal five-second promo on Channel 3rd that shows weatherguesser Ryan McPike standing out in a field squinting at the sky and looking as if he's trying to smell a storm?

Really? Is this the way he puts together his forecasts? Does someone think this makes him seem more credible? What the hell?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Sad

SuxNews has never looked quite as pathetic as it did during Friday's 4 p.m. newscast.

Among the problems...
• the debacle was anchored by morning fire-chaser Nadia Singh, who seems as ill-equipped for the task as anyone at the station;
• Singh showed up for work wearing a trowelful of blue eye shadow, an inappropriately short skirt, and a pair of dominatrix boots, all of which were on full display when she came out from behind the desk to conduct an interview from atop a barstool;
• newsboy Brian Latham's live report originated from what appeared to be a deserted newsroom;
• weatherguesser Andrea "Seabiscuit" Rich prattled idiotically about clouds, sun-glare, and instructions on what to do in various weather conditions;
• Rich wore a red skirt that looked more like a saddle-blanket; and
• audio for the broadcast cut in and out for the duration of what looked like a textbook example of how not to do a professional newscast.

In short, there was really nothing to distinguish this effort from what gets aired on the much-maligned KPTM.

This program offered a stark reminder of just how thoroughly Gray Television and its incompetent managers have run this station into the ground. How much worse it can get is anybody's guess at this point.

UPDATE: Channel Sux was all atwitter Sunday night and Monday morning about Rich running a race over the weekend. Doesn't the jockey deserve at least some of the credit?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Future

Holy smokes, get a load of this story, which reports on a Washington, D.C. station that plans to have its anchors operate their own teleprompters—with their feet—as they read the news.

Our favorite line:
Some at the station worry that such a roll-your-own system could increase the potential for on-camera blunders, as anchors fumble for the right spot in their scripts.
This should be a real treat for those of us who currently enjoy watching J-Pa Knice-rug struggle to make sense of his copy. (How many more blunders would he need to make for us to even notice a difference?) Imagine what a circus it will become if he tries to pedal a teleprompter at the same time!

Even better, how cool would it be to see Jimmy Thiedlecki and his little sidekick Maltard run the 'prompter as they preside over another pointless SuxOnline "Live-Chat"?

Gold, Jerry! Gold!

Monday, October 05, 2009

Spray

It only occurred to us this morning how comical it is to hear SuxNews morning boob Jimmy Thiedlecki say "Top Thickth Litht" (that's "Top Six List" for those of you who don't speak or read Thiedleckese).

Friday, September 25, 2009

Maltard Word of the Day

HEZ-bin: a male spouse (Example: "My hezbin mows the yard.")

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Crash

Oh, SuxNews, you claim to be so hip to technology, what with your connections on "Facebick" and what-not.

Why, then, is this story on your "web-channel"?

Ann McIntire's repeated references to an Omaha-born "iTunes app," suggest that one of the station's youngest on-air hipsters doesn't realize that there's no such animal. There are iTunes—songs and videos—sold on the iTunes store. And there are iPhone apps—assorted games and utilities designed for use on the iPhone and iPod Touch. They are two different things.

Having reporters who know that would at least give your ridiculous promos the veneer of credibility.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Finally

We've apparently been asleep at the wheel.

Nevertheless, we are delighted to note that the name of one Farrah "FUBAR" Fazal no longer stains the "News Team" page of KETV's website.

It's hard to imagine a bigger improvement for that station, which may now be as good an operation as Omaha will ever see.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Huh?

Dumbest remarks made by local media types about college football on Saturday:

Radio Blabberer Matt Davison: "The unknowns are always a question mark."

WOWT's Merlin Klaus: "Northern (Iowa) is getting hard today."

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Point

An alert reader says it best...
I am surprised you did not do a commentary on Sux News's 20 min love fest on Dave Webber's "last day" even though he has been on more since his retirement than he has the past 6 months! 8 min of news, 2 min of flowers, and 20 min of dave webber!
Yeah. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? More great planning by market leader in cluelessness.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Exaggerated

We've been making a concerted effort to avoid watching the Channel Sux morning program the past few weeks. Watching Jimmy Thiedlecki and his little sidekick Maltard step on each other's lines, giggle at their own imagined cleverness, and mangle the English language makes us want to gouge out our eardrums.

But after hitting a wrong button on the remote this morning, we ended up at Sux just in time to hear Jimmy make reference to the "Bob Kerrey Memorial Bridge," which means that either the former senator has died without anyone but Jimmy noticing, or Jimmy doesn't know what memorial means. Which do you think is the case?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sensitivity

Nice job, SuxNews, for broadcasting the last name of the young woman who succumbed to the H1N1 virus on Wednesday.

For whatever reason, the family asked that her last name not be used—a request that even KPTM was able to honor.

As usual, the Suxers show what a class(less) operation they're running at 35th and Farnam.

Also, Suxers have reverted to use of the term "swine flu," probably to keep J-Pa or Maltard from calling it "Hy-Ny."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bits

• Sportsguy Matt Schick, who's cutting back on his involvement at KETV, will be hosting a daily sportstalk show on 1620/The Zone, according to promos running on the ESPN radio affiliate.

The show is being called "Schick and Nick," to account for co-host Nick Bahe's presence. Bahe is a former Creighton basketball player.

• If you have the stomach, check out Channel 3rd's 10 p.m. newscast to get a look at sports director Travis Justice, who has inexplicably shaved his head. He looks a little like actor Gavin McLeod, a.k.a. Captain Stuebing on The Love Boat, only without all the charisma.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Pasture

Ending half a decade of speculation, WOWT's Dave Webber announced on Thursday's 10 p.m. newscast that he will be stepping down as sports director.

No timeline was given on exactly when Webber will exit; he plans to continue with the station on a part-time basis.

Ross Jernstrom, who has waited in the wings for over 20 years, will take Webber's place. It'll be interesting to see how the audience tolerates a nightly dose of his chipmunk-voiced yammering.

Suggestion to Channel Sux that they'll never take: Get KETV's Matt Schick and move Sux's sports reporting into the 21st century.

Meanwhile, J-Pa just keeps showing up and wandering through the news. When will he go away?

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Epic

An alert reader sends us this YouTube gem, in which WOWT's brainless anchor John Knicely demonstrates an epic fail as he tries to explain a term the kids are using nowadays.

Why don't the execs at Gray Television just flush money down the toilet instead of paying J-Pa? Or do they have so much cash that they don't mind keeping the Babe Ruth of stupidity on the payroll?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Another

This screencap, submitted by an alert reader, confirms what several commenters also mentioned: the station is riddled with Thiedleckis.




Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hopeleth

He just can't help himthelf.

We're thpeaking, of courth, about ThuxNewth's Jimmy Thiedlecki.

This morning, coming out of a Today Show tease about a mule who counts, fetches, etc., Bumpkin Jim seized the opportunity to show off his (imagined) vast knowledge of pop culture by making a reference to the show's 1950s chimpanzee co-host, J. Fred Muggs. Unfortunately, Jimmy's propensity for knowing only half what he thinks he knows came shining through when Jimmy identified the chimp as "Fred G. Muggs."

As Jimmy would probably say, "Dave Garrison must be rolling in his grave." (That would be Jimmy's attempt to drop the name of original Today host Dave Garroway.)

Isn't it about time to send WOWT's version of Muggs back to Joplin?


Thursday, July 09, 2009

Unintentional

We had to rewind the DVR to make sure, but SuxNews is, indeed, running a promo that begins, "Do your kids smell like tossed salad?"

Someone at that joke of a news operation might want to run future copy by urbandictionary.com so that the Suxers don't end up running a spot featuring the phrase, "Cleveland Steamer."

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Bits

• One alert reader/well-placed insider suggests that Joe Jordan left Action 3rd of his own volition, reportedly to oversee a new Nebraska government watchdog blog similar to texaswatchdog.com.

• Among the details we neglected to mention in discussing the Action 3rd email forwarded to us by an alert reader: Mary Williams had been working full-time as marketing director for a local financial planning firm for over a year. She had continued with KMTV on a part-time basis at the station's request.

• Sux News's latest promo features various station personalities urging viewers to "get connected" via various electronic media, one of which is called "Face-bick," according to Maltard Maddox. What is wrong with this woman? Can she not hear herself?

• Speaking of worthless things on the web, an alert reader recommends taking a look at turkey-necked former SuxNews anchor Pat Persaud's Twitter feed, where one can find such riveting gems as this: "watching mj memorial. lots of memories growing up with his songs!" Read a few other tweets from Queen Pat, and it quickly becomes clear why her TV work was so empty.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Gone

Action 3rd News is two veterans lighter with the departures of midday anchor Mary Williams and political reporter Joe Jordan. According to an email sent to an alert viewer by the station, Williams's part-time position was cut for economic reasons. No word regarding the circumstances of Jordan's exit.

Williams had been with the station since the early '80s; Jordan since the late '70s.

Somehow, gasbag sportstool Travis Justice and anchor/screaming reporter Devon Patton remain at KMTV. But station management just can't seem to figure out why, for the umpteenth consecutive year, it's so hard to get out of 3rd place.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Scholarly

Anyone with knowledge of local history must have been as surprised as we were Wednesday morning when WOWT morning anchordolt Jimmy Thiedlecki tried to show off his brainpower by identifying a shot of Central High School as "the former state capitol building."

Problem is that the school is merely on the former site of the state capitol; the capitol building itself was torn down in 1870, and the current high school building didn't arrive on the scene until 1900.

As usual, Thiedlecki had only about half the story right, making his misguided smugness that much more annoying.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Fever

It appears that only NPR-affiliate KIOS-FM has the one rational news crew (probably two people) in the city.

On its Tuesday afternoon newscast, the KIOS newsreader noted, quite accurately, that hot weather at this time of year in Omaha is NORMAL. There was even a soundbite or two of a National Weather Service meteorologist confirming this discovery.

You wouldn't know it from watching any local TV station.

All three (four, if you count what's left of KPTM) had reporters and weatherguessers carrying on as if it were raining fishes and the streets were filled with Maalox.

It's basically the same hysterical shtick that grips stations when it snows or gets cold during the winter, but, for the love of God, everyone's irritable enough as it is; do we really need some bird-brained rookie reporter showing us what box-fans and sweaty fat people look like?

Is it essential to a station's mission to tell people how to dress or to stay hydrated? It seems unlikely that even a diehard Channel Sux viewer is out mowing the front yard in a parka and long-johns or depriving himself of liquids because he thinks it'll cool him off.

For cryin' out loud, news directors: people are being shot with frightening regularity, the city is facing a financial crisis, every friggin' road in town is blocked by construction barricades, the College World Series is in town, gas prices have been soaring, Ed McMahon is dead, and all you can come up with is "experts" who say it's a good idea to avoid wearing black and weightlifting in the afternoon sun? These stories are only a half step above an insipid "live chat" with viewers.

Just this once, how 'bout you surprise us and, oh, say, do your jobs?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Maltard Word of the Day

KAH-mer: more sedate (Example: "Theens are metch kahmer today, aren't they, Restee?")

Friday, June 12, 2009

Bubbles

Having combed through the responses we received, both via comment and email, we've taken the best, done a little consolidation and embellishment, and applied them to the SuxNews Facebook photo. See what you think.
P.S. No matter what anyone says, those are man-hands.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Caption

Time for a little reader fun.

Use the comment feature to suggest an appropriate caption for this photo from the SuxNews Facebook page. (Is it an optical illusion or is Maltard a little stout in this pic?)

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Exploitation

Two of the features on the inexplicable website set up for former anchor Pat Persaud on the Channel Sux "web channel" remind us that no one in Omaha broadcasting has ever been more willing to pimp out her family to further her career (if you consider her stupid little website an extension of her career, of course).

"Pat's Personal Pics" includes lots of snapshots of her kids standing with tennis rackets in front of their bzillion dollar home, scuba diving, fishing, and throwing gang signs with their very white friends. The video section includes shaky footage of her sucking down homemade hooch with her husband, Lumir, and scenes from her cousin's Hindu wedding.

What on earth would Pat put on her page if she were an orphan or a spinster?

Ol' Turkey Neck puts the Pat in pathetic.

Baffling

Wednesday night's big announcement regarding a "familiar face" returning to Channel Sux was even less worthy of airtime than one of their inane live chats. For those of you who can't stand the suspense, the upshot of the whole thing appears to be that creepy, cougary-looking former anchor Pat Persaud now has a webpage.

Anchor Tracy Madden and puffy fill-in-for-J-Pa Brian Mastre seemed disproportionately delighted in making the announcement, which included a live remote featuring Queen Pat swilling wine in her kitchen.

Claiming that her drinking stemmed from her nervousness about the announcement (eye-roll), Pat screeched "How are you guys?!" at Madden and Mastre at least twice while trying, in her typically bumbling fashion, to explain the point of her "In Touch" webpage.

A quick look at the site reveals more of what we've come to expect from TV in general and Channel Sux in particular—lots of style and little substance. Perhaps most representative is Pat's blog, which is filled with riveting accounts of Governor Dave Heineman's 61st birthday party and Pat's life since "retiring" four years ago.

The quality of the writing is roughly that of a 15-year-old girl. For example, the latter post contains 25 lines of copy and 20 exclamation points. And Pat doesn't seem to realize that the contraction for "it is" requires an apostrophe. (Officials at Morningside College must cringe every time Pat mentions having a degree from there.)

We just cringe every time we see her tiny, wrinkly, scantily-clad frame on the TV—and now, computer—screen.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Crap

Channel Sux is promoting tonight's newscast with word of "a familiar face" returning to "the Channel Six family" and the phrase "in Touch" scrawled across the screen.

Brace yourselves.

This can only mean that turkey-necked crone, former anchor Pat Persaud, is resurfacing with some sort of human interest feature—an idea ripped directly off of KETV's repurposing of Julie Cornell after she stepped down from her anchor spot.

Will Queen Pat still have her glum expression that looks like an upside-down smile? Will she still stumble through stories and sound like the laziest woman in television? Will she still wear excessively revealing clothing suitable only for women thirty years younger?

It may not be good, but it'll probably worth a laugh or two.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Buy

In addition to using its online chats to avoid covering news, WOWT is now using commercials disguised as news. Two great examples showed up on Monday's 6 p.m. broadcast.

First, Tracy Madden gleefully informed us that Omaha again has a Mitsubishi car dealership after a grim two-month drought. There was b-roll and interview clips with a salesman about how great the new outfit is. How much do you suppose the dealer had to spend to get this freebie?

The second newsmercial originated in the Ejacuweather Authority corner, with the announcement that viewers can now pay get emails, phone calls, and text messages when they're about to be hit by severe weather.

That's right—Channel Sux is now selling its weather alerts, for a $9.95 annual fee. There was no mention if these alerts will be more accurate or available than what's doled out to us poor saps who rely on the free info.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Details

From an alert reader, captured Wednesday. . .

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Nuggets

Mike Kelly's column in the local paper gets just a little more pathetic with each installment. Saturday marked a new low as his lead "from the notebook" item celebrated the fact that comedian Groucho Marx—who has been dead since 1977—once performed a song which mentioned Omaha.

Really, Mike? This is all you've got left in the "Look How Hip Omaha Is" file? Aren't there any editors left at the paper these days? This desperate grasp at relevance is a stretch even by your standards.

And they wonder why newspapers are dying.

• The heat is off WOWT's John Chapman, at least for a while. With the hiring of reporter Nadia Singh, Chapman is no longer the station's only non-white on-air staffer. Unfortunately for Singh, she's already been relegated to live reports for SuxNews's morning program. Mayellorie Maltard Maddox pronounces her last name as "seen," and Jimmy Thiedlecki just couldn't get over the fact that she was wearing a scarf on Monday. Poor thing doesn't have a chance, working with those two bumpkins.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Maltard Word of the Day

RECKA-minz: suggests (example: Consumer Reports reckaminz Brand X.)

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Oink

Are we the only ones who think the trial of firefighter and alleged "massage" customer Darren Bates in a Council Bluffs courtroom should be carried live on every station?

Camera-hog attorney James Martin Davis, who's defending Bates, delivered a performance on Wednesday that makes us think he's been preparing for this case by watching Perry Mason or Matlock reruns.

Putting Davis in a courtroom with cameras is like putting an alcoholic in a wine cellar.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Maltard Word of the Day

*dess: multiple losses of life (example: "The attack resulted in twinny-five dess.")

Monday, April 20, 2009

Maltard Word of the Day

KAWM-pin-SAY-shun: payment for employment (example: "Investors are angry about excessive kawmpinsayshun for top executives.")

Friday, April 17, 2009

Brainpower

An alert reader points out this piece of crack reporting on the SuxNews website.

Could the final two sentences of the story be any more contradictory?

Is Maltard writing in her spare time?

Vindication

When we published our remarks regarding Wednesday's "tea parties," we were so inundated with vile comments that we had to shut down that feature on this site.

The gist of most—which we suspect would've been in crayon, had they been written on paper—suggested that we were mischaracterizing the folks who showed up there. They were not crackpots and they weren't anti-Obama and they weren't partisan, we were told.

Well.

Today brings a column by the Omaha World-Herald's Robert Nelson, who said he went to the "party" expecting a non-partisan gathering of sensible people concerned about the ramifications of increased government spending. This excerpt explains what he found:
This “tea party” was nothing more than a thinly veiled, talk-radio Republican crankfest attempting to rewrite recent history regarding debt, deficit spending, bailouts, stimulus dollars and taxes.

And out came the usual suspects. Signs heralding old immigrants (our forefathers) while denigrating the new ones (Mexicans). Dozens of signs blaming Obama for all the nation’s ills (he’s been president how long?). And the sign knocking 545 members of Congress, 10 more than there really are.

There were term-limits people, assault-weapons backers and the requisite number of the Scary Dudes in Funny Hats milling about and mumbling about The Government.

And so much of that smug, sanctimonious far-right posture: I love America more than you do. I love American vets more than you do. I’m the one who knows what God and the Founding Fathers intended.
Sounds not that different from what we saw. Apparently, we weren't as far off base as our nut-job commenters would have us believe.

Read Nelson's whole column here.


Thursday, April 16, 2009

Evidence

A couple of readers have suggested that the aforementioned "tea parties" were not anti-Obama and that the attendees were mostly sensible-looking folks.

Apparently they missed the part where Texas's governor raised the specter of secession.

We've taken a few screen shots from local coverage; you can judge for yourself.






Dimwits

What a sad group of misfits, creepers, and pandering politicians.

Local idiots staged "tea parties" on Wednesday to demonstrate their outrage at taxes, government, liberals, terrorists, immigration, socialism, flouridated water, paved streets, secular humanism, public schools, flag-burning, the Kennedy assassination, the 14th Amendment, and anything else they think Barack Obama has done to destroy America during his 78 days in office.

And they got lots of coverage. Check out two examples, here, and here.

As Craig Ferguson pointed out Wednesday night, you have to appreciate the irony of conservatives—known for their opposition to gay rights (except in airport restrooms)—promoting an activity that they, themselves, refer to as "tea-bagging."

Duplication

It's probably a sign of how little news there was on Wednesday.

Within minutes of each other, KETVNewswatchSeven and SuxNews managed to air stories about two different drivers whining about how the same pot-hole in a Home Depot parking lot damaged their cars.

The KETV version is here and the WOWTard account is here.

Maltard Word of the Day

(With Tracey Madden on vacation, SuxNews viewers are being treated to a dose of serial-mispronouncer Maltard Maddox on the evening newscasts.)

jawn: J-Pa's first name

Friday, April 03, 2009

Tipperary

Remember when, at the end of the Mary Tyler Moore Show's run, everybody got fired except bumbling anchor Ted Baxter? Remember when, after owning Channel 3rd for one sweeps period, Urinal Broadcasting dismissed anchors Greg Peterson and Deb Ward, but kept insufferable toolbag Travis Justice?

What happened at KPTM on Friday wasn't quite like those scenarios, except for the fact that J.J. Davis appears to have dodged the ax. But it doesn't seem fair that Scott Patterson, Julie Hong, and 20 other KPTM employees are looking for work while, just down Farnam Street, J-Tard Knicely, Jimmy Thiedlecki, Mayellorie Maddox, and Dave "Dale Altman" Webber are still wandering through newscasts and wasting our time with inane updates regarding their SuxOnline chats and Fubar Fazal is mush-mouthing her way through reports full of stunningly innacurate or downright useless information.

Apparently WJM's management has made it to Omaha after all.

Meow.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

ender: below (example: "My I.Q. is ender a hunnerd.")

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

SEM-it: meeting of world leaders

Monday, March 30, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

DIFF-urnt: not the same (example: "I like to find a diffurnt word to mangle every day.")

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

GEV-er-mint: organized authority (example: "Kawngriss is part of the gevermint.")

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

ket: open or divide with a sharp instrument (example: "I ket myself with the pocketknife.")

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

(submitted by an alert reader)

sir: conduit (usually underground) for drainage and waste (example: "Oh no! The sir backed up into my basemint!")

Monday, March 23, 2009

What?

The gap between the quality of Channel Sux and that of KETVNewswatch7 is never more apparent than in the midst of a tornado warning like the one issued for Omaha on Monday afternoon.

On Channel 7, chief guesser Bill Randby switched calmly between the station's clearly superior radar and its several live cams. Particularly helpful were shots from the 88th and I-80 unit, one at 90th and Dodge, and, best of all, from atop the station's tower at 72nd and Crown Point. For several minutes, Randby and John Campbell monitored a low-hanging cloud that appeared to be trying to organize itself into a funnel. Long after the storm had passed over the city, Randby started showing hail pictures—something that didn't seem particularly necessary.

Meanwhile, over at the "Weather Authority," chief Ejacucaster Jim Flowers spent most of his time either prattling excitedly about radar images or admitting that he couldn't tell much about a potential tornado based on a still photo sent in by a viewer. Every now and then, want-wit anchordolt John J-Tard Knicely would announce some version of the following:
"I just spoke with someone in ____ (Gretna/Blair/Waverly/Pisgah) and it was ____ (raining/hailing/ not doing much) and the sirens were (on earlier/going off now/hadn't sounded), and that was just ____ (seconds/minutes) ago."
We can only guess that upon hearing a town mentioned, J-Tard just starts dialing numbers from its phone book and hoping that "someone" will answer.

Other "assets" in the BigSux arsenal:

--A dashboard "Live Webcam" shot from Gary Smollen as he drove down a road in Cass County, where nothing had happened in at least 45 minutes;
--MalTard Maddox yammering about the "hell" she had witnessed out near Elkhorn, which sounded ominous until it became apparent that she was trying to say "hail";
--And there were assistant ejacucaster Andrea Rich and Tracy Madden, frantically reading what viewers were pecking out on the "SixOnline Live" chatroom. ("Viewers are reporting branches falling!" we heard more than once.)
--At 6:08, we were treated to a gallery of photos sent in by SuxNews viewers of hail "capable of damaging what-have-you."

Oh no! Anything but damaged what-have-you!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Revelation

This week's "High School Cribs" segment, featuring SuxNews morning bimbo Mal-Tard Maddox, showcased Papillion-LaVista High School, where Mal-Tard was excited to find Spanish classes and the same "ro-BAW-tics" classes that so amazed her when she visited "BIN-sun" High School a month or two ago.

Putting Mal-Tard on this series makes perfect sense: stories about high schools being delivered by someone with high school-level reporting skills and a high school cheerleader mentality. It's genius!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Oops

Why, when story after story had mentioned that actress Natasha Richardson had been flown to a New York hospital, did Brandi Peterson open her report on Richardson's death begin, "Sad news coming in from Hollywood tonight..."?

Do news people ever actually pay attention to what's going on in the world?

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

Words, actually...

kawlidge hewps: focus of March Madness

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Thud

With no snow likely between now and the start of spring (which SuxNews Weather-Authority-Ejacucaster Andrea Rich on Sunday said "will sprung" by Friday), let's see how "Jim's Winter Forecast" and "Bill's Winter Forecast" held up.

Back on November 17, Jumpy Jim Flowers went out on a limb and predicted that we'd receive between 28 and 32 inches of snow during the winter (the average winter snowfall is 30 inches). Six days later, KETV's Super-Doppler-Radar-Guesser Bill Randby warned that we'd accumulate somewhere in the neighborhood of 23 to 27 inches. 

Well, according to the National Weather Service, Mr. Randy was closer; Omaha's snowfall total for the winter is 20.8 inches.

If you're gonna proclaim yourself "The Weather Authority," and have the audacity to think you can predict weather for a four-month period, shouldn't you finish higher than second in this contest?

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

gayng: organized group of criminals (example: "Wasn't Robert Ford a member of the Jesse James gayng?")

Monday, March 16, 2009

Mal-Tard Word of the Day

AW-skers: motion picture awards

Hope

An alert reader sends us this link to an article regarding companies that Moody's rating service has listed on its "bottom rung." The article says companies on this list have a high risk of default. One company on the list is the owner of Channel Sux: Gray Television Inc. 

In this small nugget of information resides our only hope that WOWTard will finally unload J-Pa Knicely's bloated salary from its books and shove him, at long last, out the door and off the air.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Maltardism

SuxNews Amazing Bimbonic Anchorette Mayellorie Maddox Wednesday morning read a story several times regarding the Infinite convenience store that was denied a liquor license. Her pronunciation? "IN-fuh-night."

Them big-city words shore is hard to say!

Back to the farm, Ellie-May.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Arf

The crackerjack news team at WOWTard slapped together quite a series of stories for Tuesday night's 10 o'clock newscast.

Ann McIntyre reported on a man who tried to get a ball out his dog's gullet, only to be bitten by the dog. J-Pa Knicely even held up a ball to show us what the ball looked like. It was round. And yellow.

Then Mike McKnight used his sharply honed journalistic instincts to reveal that dangerous deer are lurking near the Platte River between Omaha and Lincoln. And they're going to kill us.

After a commercial break, J-Pa took up his post at the "Dot-Com Center" to prattle cluelessly about a link on the station's "Webchannel" about recalled refrigerators. They might kill us if the deer don't.

After some quick blather from Tracy Madden about a convenience store liquor license dispute that Channel Sux has done at least a half-dozen stories about, Cornpone Jimmy Thiedlecki shouted out a "Cone-Zthone" warning about road work being done between Sunset Avenue and Morningwood Lane or some-such remote location. Good thing he told us about that. We could've been killed.

Such is the news you get when you rely on the Big Sux.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wherefores


• Why did the hair of Channel Sux bimbo Mayellorie Maddox change colors thrice this week? On Tuesday, it was bleach-blonde. On Wednesday, light brunette. Thursday brought a compromise between the Tuesday and Wednesday shades. And by Friday, she was back to bleach blonde. Did someone's paws inadvertently grab the wrong shade of Miss Clairol?

• Speaking of Maladroit, what did she find "cool" about Brownell-Talbot in this week's "High School Cribs"? A robot-building science project and a jazz band. Wow. How cutting-edge.

• Why was KETV running this stock quote on Wednesday? 






















"Problem is," the alert reader who sent this notes, "Alltel was taken private at $71.50/sh. In November. 2007."

• Ever the copycats rather than innovators, Channel Sux now appears to be following Action 3rd's lead by staffing its newscasts with two on-air meteorologists several times over the past week. 

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Left

KETV reporter Owen Lei has left the station for Seattle's KING-TV. A graduate of Northwestern University's prestigious journalism program, Lei had been with the station since 2006.

His departure is a loss for the station and for Omaha news, in general.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Why?

During a writer's strike back in the late 1980s, David Letterman employed a segment entitled, "Hal Gurnee's Network Time-Killers" (Hal Gurnee was his longtime director). 

Now, twenty years later, Channel Sux has developed its own, albeit less entertaining, version: sixonline LIVE.

This handy feature brings together online chatting and local TV news, two things that go together like power tools and cranberries.

The whole thing works like this: SuxNews anchors announce excitedly that they've opened up the live chat on the "webchannel." A dozen or so idiot viewers then jump on their computers and start typing in things like, "Bring on Webber!!!!" and "I love John and Tracy!"

Then, rather than having to read boring old news stories, the aforementioned anchors chatter pointlessly in a postage-stamp-sized corner of a split screen showing the live chat as it's updated. Not that you can read much of what's on there. But that seems beside the point.

Now, we've seen a lot of stupid shit out of this station. LOTS of stupid shit. But this takes stupid to new levels of smelliness.

It's hard to imagine how this latest desperate attempt at relevance came to be. How many meetings between SuxNews management, consultants, and engineers did it take to come up with this gimmick? What can that discussion have been like?

The more these people try to get technologically "with it," the more they sound like George W. Bush discussing "The Google," and "rumors on the Internets."

Even more irritating is the fact that they can invest so much time and energy into this kind of worthless stunt, when they can't quite manage to get Maladroit Maddox to understand that it's called an economic downturn, not a "turndown," or get Cornpone Jimmy Thiedlecki to realize that Grand Island isn't "all the way across the state."

WOWT is one station that needs fewer time-killers and more bad-idea-killers.
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