Thursday, December 25, 2008

Coal

Acting on a tip from an alert reader, we subjected ourselves to the 10 p.m. Christmas edition of KETVNewswatchSeven, achored by KETVNewswatchSeven's Brandi Peterson. Just as we'd been warned, there was no shortage of stupidity.

In what has become the station's standard holiday story, reporter Owen Lei apparently stood around Eppley Airfield looking for idiots and was not disappointed.

One woman—whose only identified qualification was having her flights in Washington, D.C. and Chicago delayed—spoke quite authoritatively about delays in what she referred to as the "Pacific Northeast."

Another idiot, sporting a bluetooth headset and a slimy-looking chinstrap beard, expressed shock that other people were traveling on Christmas day. "We thought we'd be the only goofballs" flying, he said with the customary moronic chuckle at the end of his remarks.

As our alert reader points out, nothing in the story came close to resembling news.

The stories that followed weren't much better. One was the obligatory people-eating-at-a-food-pantry (People Having a Shitty Christmas); the only twist here was that those being fed were obliged to sit through a Korean language lesson, ostensibly because the people feeding them were Korean.

The third story involved Marla Rabe revealing that there was (oh my god oh my god oh my god!) a grocery store open on Christmas Day.

Since there's clearly no real news to cover on Christmas Day, how 'bout just giving everybody a day off and airing a rerun of "Wheel of Fortune" or something next year?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Separated at Birth Creepy Edition


SuxNews Reporter Justin Joseph and 1980s Cult Icon Pee Wee Herman



Friday, December 19, 2008

A Very J-Pa Christmas!

The long-awaited "holiday greeting" from vacuuous anchor J-Pa Knicely has finally emerged from the bowels of Channel Sux.

In this year's installment, we see J-Pa, J-Ma, and the fruit of their loins standing uncomfortably for a group photo. Then we're treated to footage of J-Pa in the kitchen with the grandkids. While J-Pa prattles mindlessly about the holidays, we get to see him giving the kids a treat. 

Apparently, he confides, the kids don't get "this" (Cap'n Crunch cereal) at home. So that darn J-Pa sneaks it to them when they visit. That's when we get the money shot: J-Pa doling out roughly three morsels of cereal in a glass to each kid.

Do you suppose he's actually that stingy? Or, in reality, does he not interact enough with the grandkids to know what an appropriate amount of cereal is for a small human?

We find ourselves hoping one of the toddlers will turn around and say, "WTF J-Pa?! Don't be such a tightwad!" But no such luck.

Unfortunately, there's no singing from the monotone Knicely boys. (Maybe next year!) The greeting ends with J-Pa offering viewers God's blessing for happy holidays and the new year. 

Why is it we feel all warm and tingly now?

Flaccidity

This is really too easy. 

By Thursday afternoon, Jim Flowers' "snowburst" prediction had swollen to "upwards of four inches" for the Omaha metropolitan area. 

According to the National Weather Service, the actual total was 1.3 inches by midnight Thursday. We'll see how much came after that, but we're guessing it wasn't a lot.

The Ejacucast Authority's record so far this season breaks down as follows.

• Ejacucast Snowfall Prediction Total: 12 inches
• Total Actual Snowfall Recorded: 3.3 inches
• Jim's Ejacucast Deficit (Jim's E.D.): 8.7 inches
• Prediction Index for Sux's Snowscares (PISS): 3.3 ÷ 12 = .275 (27.5%)

So, next time the Ejacucasters warn of an impending snow disaster, multiply their predicted snowfall total by .275 to see what, based on their track record, is the more likely scenario. 

In other words, take into account Jim's E.D. and the Ejacucasters' tendency to PISS themselves before you get too worried. 

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Terminology

Ejacucast Authority Jumpy Jim Flowers' Wednesday night prediction: a "snowburst" around midnight Thursday will bring the area "a quick two inches." 

Isn't "a quick two inches" how Mrs. Thiedlecki describes a night with her husband?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Humbug

Holiday time at Channel Sux means filling up time that nobody would buy with "holiday greetings" that showcase the station's on-air personalities and their families.

This year, cotton-candy-for-brains morning anchorette Maladroit Maddox's spot features her inexplicable need to have neighbors help her put decorations up around the inside of her house. Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man Brian Mastre and his wife beam with pride as their kid screams gibberish at the camera—supposedly a sign that the little tyke wants to be like dad when he grows up and gains about 250 pounds.

We're still  hoping for a reprise of John "Restless Hands" Knicely's spot from last year, in which he confessed his preference for being called "J-Pa," over "Grandpa," and then looked on proudly as his grown sons sang an embarrassingly off-key, acapella version of "Carol of the Bells" with the names of dad and dad's co-workers shoe-horned into the lyrics. 

That's what Christmas is all about, isn't it? Using your family (and now, apparently, the neighbors) to show how personable and real you are.

God bless us, everyone.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Whiff


Channel Sux's hysterical Ejacucast Authority Jim Flowers has done it again, predicting 3-4 inches of snow for Tuesday and ending up with snowfall  "near two inches," according to the station's webpage. In SuxNews talk, "near" means "less than."

By our unofficial tally, of the eight inches of snow Jim and his lackeys have predicted for Omaha this season, over six inches have failed to materialize. 

New office pool: how many inches of non-existent snow will the "Authority" predict for us by the time April rolls around? Side-bet: Will that number be higher or lower than J-Pa's Brick Tamlandesque IQ?

Stay tuned.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Round Three

Start the office pool on the latest Ejacucast Authority: Online forecast as of 5:30 p.m. Monday: 3-4 inches of snow on Tuesday.

How much lower will the total actually be?

Slip

In a shocking violation of company policy, Channel Sux's John "J-Pa" Knicely referred to wowt.com as a "homepage," rather than a "web channel" during Monday's 4 p.m. newscast. Knicely done!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Two

Count today's no-show snow as another strike for SuxNews Ejacucaster Jim Flowers, who on Sunday night assured us that we'd need our snowblowers on Tuesday morning.

Now, in Jumpy Jim's defense, just about everyone else made the same prediction, and the predicted snowfall did come within 20 or so miles of Omaha. We'd probably just let it slide were it not for the fact that Jim and his minions make their guesses with such smug certitude. And that they have declared themselves the "Weather Authority." Then there's also Jim's penchant for hysterically predicting Armageddon-level storms that never arrive.

Does anyone take this guy seriously anymore?

Say what you will about crappy ol' KPTM, their weatherguesser, Tyson Pearsall's "no-hype" weather might be something Jim could take a lesson from.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Nay

It was another splendid weekend for Channel Sux "Weather Authority" Ejacucasters.

Despite Chief Guesser Jim Flowers' Saturday morning promise of a Sunday morning "festive snow," Omahans woke up to sunny skies and nary a hint of precipitation. Good to see the ol' hair-trigger is still functioning.

On Saturday night, we thought for a minute that maybe Jim's chief deputy, Andrea Rich, was horsing around in proclaiming that we had experienced a "maybe once a year" phenomenon when the temperature Saturday morning had been higher than it was later in the day. 

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then being a Channel Sux ejacucaster must mean never having to say you know what you're talking about.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Inadequacy

We posted the remarks below in the comments section in response to a well-meaning reader's suggestion that WOWT's John Knicely did a "decent job" in his prime, but that it is time for him to retire. While we heartily agree with the latter proposition, we must take issue with the former:

At no point did John Knicely do a "decent job" as an anchor. It's hard to figure out how the guy is able to perform even basic functions in everyday life, given his total inability to converse coherently with his colleagues in unrehearsed situations on the air. (Can you imagine him trying to drop off his dry cleaning or order at a drive-thru?) This is not a recently acquired handicap; it's been with him as long as he's been on TV in Omaha. 

A second problem he's always had is his hands. Watch sometime: the guy can't keep 'em still. Even when he's only visible from the sternum up, you'll often see a hand sneak into the bottom of the shot. Maybe the pharmaceutical company that advertises a drug for Restless Leg Syndrome could develop a remedy for J-Pa's Restless Hand disorder. (They could also sell some to 
Jimmy Thiedlecki, who suffers from the same ailment.)

All this is to say nothing of the fact that he clearly doesn't understand many of the stories he reads, he can't emphasize the right words in a sentence, and he is frequently almost paralyzed by the names of foreign countries and world leaders (one former producer has told us of working hard to give stories containing hard words to J-Pa's co-anchors).

Anything perceived as a "decent job" by Knicely is probably the result of a hazy memory or of the low expectations that he has instilled in the viewer.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Hope?

Read this article from the NY Times

It gives us reason to wonder if Channel Sux's dim-bulb anchorman John "J-Pa" Knicely might soon join the ranks of the unemployed amid a national trend of stations dismissing longtime, high-salary anchors.

According to the aforementioned article,
Across the country, longtime local TV anchors are a dying breed. Facing an economic slump and a severe advertising downturn, many stations have cut costs drastically in the last year, and veteran anchors, with their expensive contracts, seem to be shouldering a disproportionate share of the cutbacks. When station managers are forced to make cuts, hefty anchor salaries are a tempting target.
On the other hand, getting rid of J-Pa won't do a bit of good if he's replaced with the low-rent talent on the SuxNews bench, e.g., Jimmy "Loud Thpitter" Thiedlecki or Brian "Doughball" Mastre.

Another

Graphic spotted by an alert reader during Channel Sux's Saturday night coverage of the Creighton-Nebraska basketball game: "Nebraska 54 - Colorado 52."

Does anyone ever get fired from that place? Or do they keep firing the weekend production crew, only to hire equally incompetent replacements?

It's truly mind-boggling how often one station can repeat the same mistakes. 
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