Thursday, December 25, 2008

Coal

Acting on a tip from an alert reader, we subjected ourselves to the 10 p.m. Christmas edition of KETVNewswatchSeven, achored by KETVNewswatchSeven's Brandi Peterson. Just as we'd been warned, there was no shortage of stupidity.

In what has become the station's standard holiday story, reporter Owen Lei apparently stood around Eppley Airfield looking for idiots and was not disappointed.

One woman—whose only identified qualification was having her flights in Washington, D.C. and Chicago delayed—spoke quite authoritatively about delays in what she referred to as the "Pacific Northeast."

Another idiot, sporting a bluetooth headset and a slimy-looking chinstrap beard, expressed shock that other people were traveling on Christmas day. "We thought we'd be the only goofballs" flying, he said with the customary moronic chuckle at the end of his remarks.

As our alert reader points out, nothing in the story came close to resembling news.

The stories that followed weren't much better. One was the obligatory people-eating-at-a-food-pantry (People Having a Shitty Christmas); the only twist here was that those being fed were obliged to sit through a Korean language lesson, ostensibly because the people feeding them were Korean.

The third story involved Marla Rabe revealing that there was (oh my god oh my god oh my god!) a grocery store open on Christmas Day.

Since there's clearly no real news to cover on Christmas Day, how 'bout just giving everybody a day off and airing a rerun of "Wheel of Fortune" or something next year?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Separated at Birth Creepy Edition


SuxNews Reporter Justin Joseph and 1980s Cult Icon Pee Wee Herman



Friday, December 19, 2008

A Very J-Pa Christmas!

The long-awaited "holiday greeting" from vacuuous anchor J-Pa Knicely has finally emerged from the bowels of Channel Sux.

In this year's installment, we see J-Pa, J-Ma, and the fruit of their loins standing uncomfortably for a group photo. Then we're treated to footage of J-Pa in the kitchen with the grandkids. While J-Pa prattles mindlessly about the holidays, we get to see him giving the kids a treat. 

Apparently, he confides, the kids don't get "this" (Cap'n Crunch cereal) at home. So that darn J-Pa sneaks it to them when they visit. That's when we get the money shot: J-Pa doling out roughly three morsels of cereal in a glass to each kid.

Do you suppose he's actually that stingy? Or, in reality, does he not interact enough with the grandkids to know what an appropriate amount of cereal is for a small human?

We find ourselves hoping one of the toddlers will turn around and say, "WTF J-Pa?! Don't be such a tightwad!" But no such luck.

Unfortunately, there's no singing from the monotone Knicely boys. (Maybe next year!) The greeting ends with J-Pa offering viewers God's blessing for happy holidays and the new year. 

Why is it we feel all warm and tingly now?

Flaccidity

This is really too easy. 

By Thursday afternoon, Jim Flowers' "snowburst" prediction had swollen to "upwards of four inches" for the Omaha metropolitan area. 

According to the National Weather Service, the actual total was 1.3 inches by midnight Thursday. We'll see how much came after that, but we're guessing it wasn't a lot.

The Ejacucast Authority's record so far this season breaks down as follows.

• Ejacucast Snowfall Prediction Total: 12 inches
• Total Actual Snowfall Recorded: 3.3 inches
• Jim's Ejacucast Deficit (Jim's E.D.): 8.7 inches
• Prediction Index for Sux's Snowscares (PISS): 3.3 ÷ 12 = .275 (27.5%)

So, next time the Ejacucasters warn of an impending snow disaster, multiply their predicted snowfall total by .275 to see what, based on their track record, is the more likely scenario. 

In other words, take into account Jim's E.D. and the Ejacucasters' tendency to PISS themselves before you get too worried. 

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Terminology

Ejacucast Authority Jumpy Jim Flowers' Wednesday night prediction: a "snowburst" around midnight Thursday will bring the area "a quick two inches." 

Isn't "a quick two inches" how Mrs. Thiedlecki describes a night with her husband?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Humbug

Holiday time at Channel Sux means filling up time that nobody would buy with "holiday greetings" that showcase the station's on-air personalities and their families.

This year, cotton-candy-for-brains morning anchorette Maladroit Maddox's spot features her inexplicable need to have neighbors help her put decorations up around the inside of her house. Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man Brian Mastre and his wife beam with pride as their kid screams gibberish at the camera—supposedly a sign that the little tyke wants to be like dad when he grows up and gains about 250 pounds.

We're still  hoping for a reprise of John "Restless Hands" Knicely's spot from last year, in which he confessed his preference for being called "J-Pa," over "Grandpa," and then looked on proudly as his grown sons sang an embarrassingly off-key, acapella version of "Carol of the Bells" with the names of dad and dad's co-workers shoe-horned into the lyrics. 

That's what Christmas is all about, isn't it? Using your family (and now, apparently, the neighbors) to show how personable and real you are.

God bless us, everyone.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Whiff


Channel Sux's hysterical Ejacucast Authority Jim Flowers has done it again, predicting 3-4 inches of snow for Tuesday and ending up with snowfall  "near two inches," according to the station's webpage. In SuxNews talk, "near" means "less than."

By our unofficial tally, of the eight inches of snow Jim and his lackeys have predicted for Omaha this season, over six inches have failed to materialize. 

New office pool: how many inches of non-existent snow will the "Authority" predict for us by the time April rolls around? Side-bet: Will that number be higher or lower than J-Pa's Brick Tamlandesque IQ?

Stay tuned.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Round Three

Start the office pool on the latest Ejacucast Authority: Online forecast as of 5:30 p.m. Monday: 3-4 inches of snow on Tuesday.

How much lower will the total actually be?

Slip

In a shocking violation of company policy, Channel Sux's John "J-Pa" Knicely referred to wowt.com as a "homepage," rather than a "web channel" during Monday's 4 p.m. newscast. Knicely done!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Two

Count today's no-show snow as another strike for SuxNews Ejacucaster Jim Flowers, who on Sunday night assured us that we'd need our snowblowers on Tuesday morning.

Now, in Jumpy Jim's defense, just about everyone else made the same prediction, and the predicted snowfall did come within 20 or so miles of Omaha. We'd probably just let it slide were it not for the fact that Jim and his minions make their guesses with such smug certitude. And that they have declared themselves the "Weather Authority." Then there's also Jim's penchant for hysterically predicting Armageddon-level storms that never arrive.

Does anyone take this guy seriously anymore?

Say what you will about crappy ol' KPTM, their weatherguesser, Tyson Pearsall's "no-hype" weather might be something Jim could take a lesson from.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Nay

It was another splendid weekend for Channel Sux "Weather Authority" Ejacucasters.

Despite Chief Guesser Jim Flowers' Saturday morning promise of a Sunday morning "festive snow," Omahans woke up to sunny skies and nary a hint of precipitation. Good to see the ol' hair-trigger is still functioning.

On Saturday night, we thought for a minute that maybe Jim's chief deputy, Andrea Rich, was horsing around in proclaiming that we had experienced a "maybe once a year" phenomenon when the temperature Saturday morning had been higher than it was later in the day. 

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then being a Channel Sux ejacucaster must mean never having to say you know what you're talking about.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Inadequacy

We posted the remarks below in the comments section in response to a well-meaning reader's suggestion that WOWT's John Knicely did a "decent job" in his prime, but that it is time for him to retire. While we heartily agree with the latter proposition, we must take issue with the former:

At no point did John Knicely do a "decent job" as an anchor. It's hard to figure out how the guy is able to perform even basic functions in everyday life, given his total inability to converse coherently with his colleagues in unrehearsed situations on the air. (Can you imagine him trying to drop off his dry cleaning or order at a drive-thru?) This is not a recently acquired handicap; it's been with him as long as he's been on TV in Omaha. 

A second problem he's always had is his hands. Watch sometime: the guy can't keep 'em still. Even when he's only visible from the sternum up, you'll often see a hand sneak into the bottom of the shot. Maybe the pharmaceutical company that advertises a drug for Restless Leg Syndrome could develop a remedy for J-Pa's Restless Hand disorder. (They could also sell some to 
Jimmy Thiedlecki, who suffers from the same ailment.)

All this is to say nothing of the fact that he clearly doesn't understand many of the stories he reads, he can't emphasize the right words in a sentence, and he is frequently almost paralyzed by the names of foreign countries and world leaders (one former producer has told us of working hard to give stories containing hard words to J-Pa's co-anchors).

Anything perceived as a "decent job" by Knicely is probably the result of a hazy memory or of the low expectations that he has instilled in the viewer.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Hope?

Read this article from the NY Times

It gives us reason to wonder if Channel Sux's dim-bulb anchorman John "J-Pa" Knicely might soon join the ranks of the unemployed amid a national trend of stations dismissing longtime, high-salary anchors.

According to the aforementioned article,
Across the country, longtime local TV anchors are a dying breed. Facing an economic slump and a severe advertising downturn, many stations have cut costs drastically in the last year, and veteran anchors, with their expensive contracts, seem to be shouldering a disproportionate share of the cutbacks. When station managers are forced to make cuts, hefty anchor salaries are a tempting target.
On the other hand, getting rid of J-Pa won't do a bit of good if he's replaced with the low-rent talent on the SuxNews bench, e.g., Jimmy "Loud Thpitter" Thiedlecki or Brian "Doughball" Mastre.

Another

Graphic spotted by an alert reader during Channel Sux's Saturday night coverage of the Creighton-Nebraska basketball game: "Nebraska 54 - Colorado 52."

Does anyone ever get fired from that place? Or do they keep firing the weekend production crew, only to hire equally incompetent replacements?

It's truly mind-boggling how often one station can repeat the same mistakes. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thanks

Our tolerance for local news idiots is lower than usual, so we've been trying to keep them off our screens lately. 

Fortunately, our alert readers have been keeping us posted on what we've been missing...

One emailer writes, 
The geniuses at the newsplex yesterday noted that a man had been electrocuted in Omaha while paining a house and was being transferred to a Lincoln burn unit. What in the world can  a burn unit do for a dead painter?  Even the scary graphic over Brandi’s cute little head said ELECTROCUTION….get those kids a dictionary. No one survives electrocution.
Another notes the latest SuxNews promotion, which sounds more like something the Mighty 1290/KOIL would've offered in 1973:
From the "web channel"
Channel 6 wants to invite you and nine others for a behind-the-scenes 
look at our brand new set.
Complete with a pizza party!
See John, Tracy, Jim, Dave!
Have some pizza!
And our favorite, from a visitor in town for the holiday:
So I'm watching 6 News because I'm back home in the area and wanted to see what differences there were. Like you said, it's basically polishing a turd.
 
That said, one mistake takes the cake ... and technically, this wasn't even made by the news department but rather the promo dept. Right after showing a newspackage about social networking that was absolutely uninformative and basically inane and speculative, WOWT went to a promo which advertised that exact story, not one minute after the story had just aired.
 
Fucking morons.
Boy don't we know it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Contagious

At this time of year, apparently, TV meteorologists get the itch to make predictions months in advance. We thought such hubris only oozed from Channel Sux's Jim Flowers, but Sunday night showed that KETVNewswatch7's chief weather-guesser, Bill Randby had caught the same bug.

Randby's "Winter Forecast," in fact, looked like it had been ripped straight from Jim's script of a week or two ago. La Nina, blah blah blah, jet stream, blah blah blah, and on it went. The only discernible difference is that Big Bill thinks we'll only amass a winter snowfall total of 23-27 inches (compared to Jim's guess of 28-32).

Someone might want to tell Bill that Channel Sux is not the model of excellence he wants to be emulating.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Gambling

We put it off as long as we could, but last night, we finally broke down and watched "Jim's Winter Forecast." 

After lots of yammering about a "La Nina" and water temps and jet streams, WOWT Chief Ejacucaster Jim Flowers got around to his prediction: early "ice events," and a winter snowfall total of between 28 and 32 inches. 

Guess what the average annual snowfall total in for Omaha is.

Yep, 30 inches. 

Way to go, Jim! Thanks for taking five minutes to point out what we found online in 30 seconds. That was well worth the week of hype you and your increasingly worthless station put into it.  (Did you go over to the "Dot-Com Center" to get your info?) 

As hard as it is to believe, the people at this station are seemingly beyond being embarrassed by the work they do.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Wager

Anyone willing to bet that SuxNews second-team anchor Jimmy Thiedlecki is smarter than a chicken might want to rethink things.

Honest to God, this morning, his co-anchor, Maladroit Maddox reads a story saying that a shooting victim was found at 15th and Dorcas and died en route to the hospital. Jimmy then says, "Updates on the man's condition were not provided; we'll provide more information when it's available" (or words pretty close to that).

Doubtless, members of the man's family will be surprised to learn of changes in his condition.

Will Jimmy cobble together updates for the 11:30 'cast the way he manufactured election results last week?

Does anyone ever sit this in-over-his-head lummox down and critique his work? Leaving aside the lisp, loud-talking, and general cheesiness, might someone at least casually mention to him that thinking about what he's reading is an important skill to have? Better yet, why not just "downsize" him?

Perhaps if he spent more time thinking about the news part of his job and less time coming up with inane quips to toss into his crosstalk with Maladroit, he could avoid at least one of the ways in which he embarrasses himself and his co-workers.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Ejacucasting

To hear the Suxers tell it, none of them can go anywhere without being mobbed by folks wanting to know about "Jim's Winter Forecast." 

Yeah, sure. Hardly anyone's talking about the election, or Thanksgiving being right around the corner, or the latest episode of "The Office." We'll bet Jim's appearances in public look like the return of the Elvis. People are so dependent on his pronouncements.

Oh brother. 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular SuxNews urban myth, "Jim's Winter Forecast" is an annual event in which Jim Flowers—a man who can only occasionally tell you what the weather will be like tomorrow—pretends to be able to tell you what it will be doing in February.

Jim's typical "winter forecasts" involve telling viewers it'll be cold in December, and if that's the case, it'll be warmer in January and March, but if December is warm, then we should expect a colder February, at which point, most viewers probably ask themselves why the hell they tuned in for this. Anyone could make a similarly vague prediction and have just about the same likelihood of being right as Jim does.

The really great thing is listening to Jim talk three or four minutes of inside baseball—the kind of stuff that only dorks with meteorology fetishes care about—before he gets around to (sort of) making guesses in which virtually every remark is hedged in one way or another. 

Wouldn't it be something if the Suxers actually focused—just once—on producing newscasts with accurate, relevant news to attract viewers, instead of relying on this kind of pseudo-scientific prattling and hype? How depressing must it be to get up every day knowing that you're stuck on such a sinking ship of a station?

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Invention

Friday's news that Barack Obama won an electoral vote from Nebraska's 2nd congressional district might come as a surprise to the dozens of people who caught Channel Sux's 11:30 a.m. newscast on Wednesday.

It was on that broadcast that anchor Jimmy Thiedlecki decided to declare McCain the winner of that vote.

Not only did Jimmy make the wrong call, he did it based on totals that he seems to have just made up. 

When an alert reader emailed the station to point out that the totals shown on the newscast were higher than election officials said had been cast in the 2nd district, he received a reply from Jimmy himthelf explaining that "the numbers on our website were a bit dated and I knew there were uncounted ballots that would have been counted on Wednesday morning."

So, rather than relying on verifiable info from reliable, informed sources, Jimmy decided to figure it out himself. Problem was, Jimmy had no idea what precincts constituted the 2nd district, which led to his reporting bogus numbers.
"I added too many precincts from Sarpy to theDouglas numbers while trying to update them," he admitted in the email.
What's interesting isn't that Jimmy screwed up; we've documented Mr. Know-It-All's ineptitude all too often. The fascinating part is that, rather than having an editorial process for deciding what to report, SuxNews apparently just turns one person loose to get on the air to read whatever he thinks is true. 
The people we know, the news we trust? Is this journalism or just a bunch of people playing TV? 
Maybe, for future elections, they should just air re-runs of "Wild, Wild West." You know, like they do during tornadoes.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Election Notes

• Favorite Flub: KETVNewswatch7's Brandi Peterson referring to longtime Douglas County Commisioner Clare Duda as "winning her race." Duda, by all outward appearances, is a man and has been for the 15 or 20 years he's been in the public eye. Wake up, Brandi.

• Runnerup Flub: Action 3rd News' Joe Jordan telling viewers that Mike Johanns "appears to be winning" his Senate race when Johanns was ahead by over 100,000 votes. Appeared to be winning? That's like saying there appears to be a football game going on when 85,000 people are packed into Memorial Stadium on a Saturday.  

• Third Place (tie): Channel Sux's decision to do a local cut-in just as John McCain strode onto the stage to concede the presidential race (even though NBC's Brian Williams had warned two minutes earlier that McCain's speech was set to occur in about two minutes). Tying for 3rd place flub is Sux's graphic at 10:36 p.m. (spotted by an alert reader): "Barrack Obama makes history." For some stations, we might attribute the extra r to a typo; at SuxNews, it's par for the course.

• Graphics Hell: Both Channel 3rd and Channel Sux ran election results along the bottom of the screen in the least useful forms imaginable. Channel 3rd ran results horizontally, listing candidates alphabetically, so that one had to be extra vigilant to make sense of the numbers flashing on the screen. 

SuxNews followed the same basic format, but did at least sort candidates by vote total within each race. Their results also lacked percentages, showing only vote totals.

Channel 7 won the graphics portion of the competition, displaying candidates' names vertically, in rank order, and in a sufficiently large font, thereby making it possible to track what was going on without having to remember what names and numbers had been displayed three screens earlier.

(Editor's Note: Before anyone asks, we didn't see what was going on at Fox42. We didn't flip over there even once. In fact, it never occurred to us. And seriously, do people really turn there looking for reliable information?)

Friday, October 31, 2008

Embarrassment

Goober Congressman Lee Terry, Jr. (not to be confused with bitter-sounding right-wing nut-job Lee Terry, Sr.) must know he's about to lose an election. 

Why else would he be saturating the airwaves with ads accusing challenger Jim Esch of being everything except a sex-offender? And why else would he be trying to latch onto Barack Obama's coattails?

More interesting would be an ad explaining why Terry's running for his umpteenth term when he originally promised to term-limit himself to eight six years.

Makeup

What can we say about the amazingly over-hyped new set that Channel Sux "unveiled" for its 10 p.m. Thursday newscast?

It's not horrible, but it's not the eye-popping, jaw dropping overhaul we'd been led to expect, either.

In fact, it looks like a cross between the station's old set and the one that Channel 3rd has been using for a couple of years now. The biggest changes are the addition of about ten flatscreen HD monitors and lots of blue. Both the desk and EjacuWeather center appear to be refurbished versions of  the old furniture.

The most laughable new feature is the one seems to give John Knicely a chubby: the "dot-com center." It's a stand-up table with a laptop on it and five monitors behind it. Way to get connected with the World-Wide Interwebs, J-Pa. Knicely done!

The entire exercise of set change for this pathetic outfit is analogous to putting makeup over a zit: you know what it's covering up, and so does everyone else, and underneath it all, it's still a zit. A big, unsightly, festering, pus-filled zit. The only station likely to benefit from the makeover is KETV, which will now likely be forced to spruce up its tired-looking, eleven-year-old "Newsplex."

As far as SuxNews goes, until there's a top-to-bottom housecleaning at 35th and Farnam, and as long as their idea of diversity is hiring a guy named Mario, this station is going nowhere.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Lipstick

By the way they're carrying on, you'd think it was the most exciting thing to happen at WOWT since that woman came into the station back in the '70s and started stabbing weatherman Dale Munson with a steak knife.

We're talking about the "unveiling" of the new SuxNews set, which is, according to the 20-times-per-hour promos, scheduled for Thursday at 10 p.m.

It'll be interesting to see what the new facade looks like, but putting the same passengers in different seats on the Titanic wouldn't have helped anything, and we're pretty sure that'll be the case with the Big Sux. No set in existence can make John Knicely any smarter, Jimmy Thiedlecki any leth grating, or Maladroit Maddox's voice less nasal.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Cause

An alert reader has asked us to spread the word that there's now a Facebook group dedicated to getting Channel 3rd to rid itself of Travis Justice.

OK. Good luck.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Collide-a-Scope

Someone needs to tell Angry Old Man Lee Terry, Sr. to shut the hell up.

KETV's "Kaleidescope" has been hijacked by the graceless former news anchor, and the other passengers need to overpower and, perhaps, bind and gag him until landing.

The program, which purports to be thoughtful, respectful discussion of current events by three panelists from different points on the political spectrum, invariably degenerates into Terry talking—often loudly and mockingly—over anyone who dares disagree with him.

In a typical 30-minute program, Terry seems to talk 90 percent of the time, with former newspaper writer Jim Fogarty and attorney Shawntal Smith sharing whatever's left. 

Terry should watch ABC's "This Week" or NBC's "Meet the Press" and see how it looks when panelists take turns and actually listen to each other.

Host Mike'l Severe needs to take control of the discussion, and if Old Mr. Grump can't behave like a grownup, he should be replaced. Certainly, in Nebraska, it can't be that hard to find another conservative.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Mystery

The "Carol and Craig Caravan" is on the loose again this weekend, inflicting Channel 3rd's Carol Wang and  Craig Negrelli on folks at another shopping center this Sunday afternoon. 

Once again, viewers are being enticed with the promise of "free gifts" to the first 50 people who show up. 

It's amusing to think about what these "events" look like. 

We imagine C&C  standing around awkwardly, over-dressed, and smiling nervously at passersby, while said passersby look at these two the way they might look at a Salvation Army bell-ringer if they didn't have any change to give him. That is, avoiding eye contact as much as possible, but looking up just often enough to make everyone uncomfortable.

What's even more entertaining is to imagine the meeting in which this idea was born and nurtured into existence. 

Does 3rd's management really think this is the way to raise ratings? Having its talent standing around giving stuff away? What's next—Travis Justice loitering in Wal-Mart parking lots and handing out casino coupons?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Drive

Channel 3rd is now hyping something called the "Carol and Craig Caravan." A promo features photos of anchors Carol Wang and Craig Negrelli, along with illustrations of a creepy-looking blue van.

Whatever this is, it will be at some shopping center on Sunday from 2 to 4 p.m. In addition to the chance to meet two real, live, low-rated anchors, there's a promise of "free prizes" for the first 50 dimwits who show up. 

Maybe they'll be giving away Travis Justice bobble-heads, or 8x10 glossies of Devon Patton

With exciting promotional ideas like this, that station's gonna be numero uno in no time!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Yada

Even we are getting sick of griping about Channel Sux, especially the morning show; unfortunately, they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot long enough for us to take a break.

This morning, we flipped over just in time to catch anchor Jimmy Thiedlecki, in his best know-it-all voice, trying to school someone about a Seinfeld reference.

"It was Kramer who had the puffy shirt!" he exclaimed incorrectly.

Jesus. Even the most casual Seinfeld fan knows that it was Jerry who had to wear the puffy shirt. 

"You need to keep your Theinfeld trivia straight around here," Jimmy taunted smugly.

As it is with every other subject on which he considers himself an expert, Jimmy's bragging about his Seinfeld knowledge is built on a foundation of sand.

Therenity Now!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Sinking

An alert reader notes Maladroit Maddox's latest pronunciation ailment: her rendering of Amana, the name of an eastern Iowa town and countless microwave ovens.

Maddox calls it "ay-MAHN-ay."

Is someone putting lead in her coffee?

Her gaffe tops that of sports director Dave Webber, who on Friday night referred to Kearney High School's football team as "the Lopers." (The team is the known as the Bearcats. University of Nebraska-Kearney's teams are the Lopers.)

It must be impossible to embarrass these people, given that they appear to know next to nothing and display so little interest in accuracy.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Missing

SuxNews morning twits Jimmy Thiedlecki and Maladroit Maddox were missing from their broadcast  for a second consecutive day Tuesday, replaced by the genial-but-clueless Brian Latham, who looks even more lost in front of a virtual set than usual.

As for the regulars, let's hope they've been sent away for weeks of intensive voice coaching and speech therapy. It's more likely, however, that they're off taping some more of those oh-so-adorable promos that they and station (mis-)management seem to be so fond of.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Set

SuxNews anchor Tracy Madden confirmed during Sunday's evening newscast that the station is revamping its set.

Anchors had been appearing all weekend in front of a green-screen "virtual" set, standing behind a small round table that one might see in the bar of a TGIFridays. 

The makeover is the first at the station in nearly 20 years. 

According to Madden's brief announcement, the new set won't be ready until the end of the month. In the meantime, she added, there will be occasional progress reports posted on the station's "web-channel" (insert eye-roll here).

While the new set is long overdue, it won't do much good if the current regime populates it with dead wood like J-Pa, Thiedlecki, Maladroit, the Mastre-bator, Swollen Smollen, EjacucastAuthority Jumpy Jim Flowers, and the tools that help run the "Sports Machine" while Webbs naps in a Barcalounger. 

Mixing a few raisins in with mouse turds won't make that dish any more appetizing.


Friday, October 03, 2008

Twins?

Has anybody else noticed that when SuxNews' Jimmy Thiedlecki is standing outdoors shouting his "Burglaries and Break-ins" report at the camera, he sounds amazingly similar to Channel 3rd's perennial irritant, Travis Justice

We're not sure which one should be more insulted by that observation.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Stupid

Sux News caption:

Decision 2008
The Biden-Palen Debate

Idiots.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Skills

While they're tutoring weatherguesser Rusty Lord about vocabulary, sending Jimmy and Maladroit to speech therapy, and trying to get the Wizard to give J-Pa a brain, the geniuses who run Channel Sux should also pull aside whoever wrote the copy for the "YouCast" promo.

In it, station announcer Mr. Lowvoice urges viewers to go to "w-o-w-t-dot-com, back-slash youcast." Unfortunately, no one in the SuxNews production chain is computer-literate enough to know that web addresses, known as urls, use forward-slashes, not back-slashes. Then again, none of them may even know what a back-slash is.

Anyway, this ad has run for weeks without correction. We were going to wait until someone caught the error. Then we remembered what station we were dealing with.

Mix

Kudos to KMTV's Devon Patton for scoring a bizarre interview Wednesday with former Husker/accused murderer Thunder Collins. The interview appeared to be conducted in a parking lot and Patton repeatedly described Collins as seeming "amused" by his situation.

A slap up side the head to the station, however, for the story that followed: an interview with an unidentified woman claiming to have seen Collins at the murder scene. 

The interview wasn't the problem. The problem was the b-roll which inexplicably featured a close-up of the woman's nasty, yellow, (apparently) fungus-infested toenails. What the hell were the folks at Channel 3rd thinking? 

We didn't check, but we're hoping they didn't run this footage during today's morning show. Can you imagine trying to eat after looking at those things?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tutoring

Would someone at SuxNews please sit down with gooberish morning weatherguesser Rusty Lord and explain to him that through and throughout are not synonyms?

The poor boy can't seem to get through a Guesscast without invoking the phrase, "as we move throughout the day," when he intends to refer to moving "through" the day.

Maybe slick hick Jimmy Thiedlecki could counsel him on-air, opening with something like, "Thufferin' thuckotash, Ruthty!"

Or perhaps Maladroit Maddox could teach him to pronounce it as if he were a nasally, backwoods 12-year-old girl.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Awards

Channel Sux is running promos about awards it has won, including Best Newscast.

Who were they competing against? Cox Channel 23? Or is this some contest that only Channel Sux enters?

Isn't this the same station that puts together a promo featuring its anchors ad-libbing and can't find J-Pa saying even one full sentence that makes sense?


Friday, September 19, 2008

Fired

KMTV is looking for a news director following Thursday's announcement to staff that Ken Dudzik is no longer working for the Urinal Broadcast Group.

Action 3rd News staffers were assured that the company was committed to improving the station's standing in the ratings and in the public's perception.

Could this be a prelude to the long overdue canning of overstuffed gasbag Travis Justice

Cross your fingers, everyone.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Bredow

We've received more than a few emails asking why mumble-mouthed meteorologist Andrea Bredow has disappeared from KETV's morning program. We had figured that word was out and we didn't need to dance on that grave, so we didn't even mention it. 

Obviously we were wrong.

But the reason is simple: she quit to take a job at Creighton.

No word on what kind of job she took, but let's hope it's not one where she has to greet others by saying, "Welcome back, AND good morning."

The best thing about this departure is that it (finally) leaves anchor John Oakey without a moron to cope with every day for two hours. In the last several years, he's been saddled with as many as three idiots at once, in the forms of Bredow, former co-anchor Elictia Hammond, and eye-candy/dimwit traffic reporters Jana Murrell and Veronica Todd.

Without all that baggage, it's now by far the best morning program in Omaha and perhaps the best Omaha's ever been treated to.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Morning Sux

Choose your favorite Jimmy Thiedlecki moment from one 20-minute segment of this morning's Channel Sux News "Live at Daybreak":

A.  Jimmy tells viewers that recent "events have shook up Plattsmouth." (Apparently Jimmy hasn't took any grammar learnin' yet.)

B. Jimmy, thinking he is quite cute, alludes to the "Tour DAY Lance, er France." (Will someone please tell this bumpkin that the vowel sound in the French de rhymes with the "oo" sound in book? He's embarrassed himself to the point that even we feel sorry for him.)

C. Jimmy announces the topic of today's "Top Thix Litht": Thibling Thport-th Rivalriethe. (We love whatever producer is picking these topics. Any time Jimmy is required to say lots of s sounds in a row means good old-fashioned fun!)

Send your favorite to Jimmy and tell him how glad we are to have talent of his caliber yelling the news at us each morning.

Friday, August 29, 2008

More FUBAR

Speaking of mannish features, an alert reader sends us this, regarding KETVNewswatchSeven's professional screw-up specialist, FUBAR Fazal:
Don't know if you noticed or not, but last night (August 28) at the 10:00 news cast on Channel 7, Fubar was doing a story about that boat that burned and was sent floating down the river.  Fubar explained to us all that arson investigators were investigating the fire to see if somebody deliberately set it.  Thank you, Captain Obvious!  At least she only fumbled her words about 5 or 6 times, instead of the usual 10 or 12.
Yeah, that's so FUBAR. It would be like her to tell viewers that a cake decorator planned to decorate cakes.

Why does this witless wonder continue to work for Channel 7? Their recent hires show they can do much better.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Wee Wee, MAD-dam

Are we the only ones who watched Maladroit Maddox's "Sux on Your Side" spot in which she pronounced the name of the restaurant, Le Voltaire, as "Lay Voltaire"?

It was a nice match of her partner Jimmy "Gomer" Thiedlecki's "Serk DAY So-lay" promo of 2006. 

Omaha viewers really owe Joplin, Missouri, a punch square in the face for sending us these two rubes.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Letter

Here's a nice letter to WOWT that an alert reader cc'd us on...
Thanks so much for the showing of your toddler program, "The Omaha Buzz" @ 11:35PM On Aug 3, 2008...

I was riveted to my set as I watched your children stumble through, and announce the coming events for mid-May and early June 2008...

Keep up the good work!
It's good to see we're not the only ones who notice the institutional ineptitude of that mistake of a station.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Misc.

• KETVNewswatch7's Brandi Peterson and Rob McCartney did a live shot from somewhere or other on Saturday morning. It's hard to remember where because it didn't take long for the camera to pull back and reveal that Peterson was wearing shorts—shorts that showcased some startlingly Hillary Clintonesque calves. It didn't help that she was standing next to uber-thin McCartney, but these would've been noticeable even if she'd been in a shot with Gary Kerr.

• An alert reader has posted a question that we've heard more than once over the past decade or so: Does WOWT anchormatron John Knicely wear a hairpiece? 

• Several folks, posting both on this blog and the one attached to City Weekly's MediaNotes, have echoed our opinion that SuxNews should show J-Pa the door. The only problem is that there's absolutely no one on staff to replace him with. Jimmy "Gomer" Thiedlecki? Brian "BM" Mastre? Neither of those knobjobs is a sensible option. Might they look to snatch someone from Channel 7? It wouldn't be the first time.

• Could someone please tell Channel Sux Ejacuweatherguesserauthorities Jim Flowers and Rusty Lord to get their pants hemmed to the proper length? From the looks of these guys' cuffs, you'd think they'd had their trousers tailored to allow for a growth spurt.

• Has Fubar Fazal been taken off Saturday evening anchor duty on KETV? We've tuned in two of the past three Saturdays and been relieved to find Todd Andrews in her place.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Stuck

Poor Channel Sux. Every now and then, they try doing something that they think is hip or cutting edge, and it almost always ends up looking like really uptight adults trying to be cool around the neighbor kids.

Such was the case when someone at SuxNews decided to have morning anchor Jimmy Thiedlecki interview comedian Bill Bellamy and then post the interview on their "web channel" (or as the rest of the world calls it, "website"). In front of four or five oddly positioned cameras, not only does Jimmy pepper the segment with references to "Dice Clay" and "Stephen Wright," he also spends about 40 percent of the interview looking back at the camera and talking over Bellamy.

Jimmy, if you're reading, a few tips: (1) 1992 called, and it wants its comic reference points back. (2) Stop mugging for the camera; we can listen without your supervision. And (3) keep in mind that the idea of an interview is to find out what guest has to say, not how impressive you are (or think you are).  

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Again

Well, it appears that Channel 7 just couldn't resist giving outgoing anchor Julie Cornell the PP treatment.

Longtime Omaha news sufferers are likely to have flashbacks to the nightmare that was WOWT's days-long goodbye to anchor Pat Persaud in 2005. 

The primary difference between Cornell's exit and Queen Pat's is that WOWT shamelessly milked Persaud's swan-song, running promos around the clock and orchestrating the entire spectacle to coincide with the end of the May ratings period. By contrast, KETV's promotion has been minimal—so far—and the middle-of-the-cast "highlights" of Julie's career have been more low-key and substantive than anything aired back in '05.

While we could do without the whole thing, Channel 7 is at least exercising some restraint.
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