Thursday, May 26, 2005

Avert Your Eyes, Children

Several people have wondered what we'd do here at omanews headquarters once Pat was gone. Well, it turns out, we can use some of our time to try and spare viewers from unnecessary suffering. Hence, we are issuing a LEVEL 5 ELICTIA ALERT. (For those of you outside the market, this name is pronounced "uh-LEESH-uh"; the name is normally spelled "Alicia" or "Alycia." Who knows what her parents were thinking.)

KETV morning anchor John Oakey is taking some well-deserved vacation time, which leaves the Newsplex in the clutches of Omaha's scariest co-anchor, Elictia "Omarosa" Hammond.

We strongly advise that anyone operating a remote control between 5 and 7 a.m. exercise extreme caution, lest someone be permanently damaged by excessive exposure to this toothy, sharp-voiced egomaniac. Children, small pets, pregnant women, and those with cardiac problems should be shielded from this gruesome spectacle.

Should you or a loved one accidentally suffer Elictia poisoning, we recommend slamming the affected person's hand in a car door several times. It won't erase the memory of the exposure, but it feels a lot better.


pia said...

Can't believe there is not any opinions on Mike Sigmonds "First ever Live Tanning Investigation" Was that just an opportunity to showcase a bunch of young girls legs!
What a waste of airtime.

gradstudent said...

I haven't seen Elictia on the air, but I personally think she is very attractive.

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