Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Sweeps Alert: BURGLARIES!

Wife: "Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Burglars are everywhere! What are we going to do?"
Husband: "Okay. Hang on. Let's try to stay calm. Let me think."
Wife: "I think we should build a moat around our neighborhood."
Husband: "That's not a bad idea. But what can we do NOW?"
Wife: "Let's pull the kids out of school and we'll all hide in the basement. We'll need to stock up on—"
Husband: "Wait a second. Let's do what we always do when we encounter problems: get advice from people on TV!"

Mmm...advice from people on TV. That's what we're in for on Thursday night's Ten at Ten, when someone with a broadcasting degree shows us how to protect ourselves from the swarming packs of BURGLARS that are TERRORIZING the "HEARTLAND"! We've decided that this story makes a perfect centerpiece for a drinking game. Here are the rules:
1 drink each for:
• initial appearance of someone whose home was burglarized or who worries about it happening
• initial appearance of a law enforcement officer
• video of the reporter and/or one of the above walking around pointing at things
• any use of the following words: "worries" "concerned" "frightened"
2 drinks each for:
• initial appearance of a "security expert"
• any really stupid sound bite
• video of a homeowner (or renter) going about his/her normal routine (cooking, playing w/kids, etc.)
• any use of the following: "protection," "home invasion," "peace of mind"
3 drinks each for:
• use of first-person plural in suggestions ("we," "our," etc.)
• embarrassingly obvious "tips" on burglary prevention ("Officer Jones suggests that we lock our doors.")
• any time the reporter walks toward the camera while talking
Chug the rest of your drink if Pat:
• doesn't appear to understand the follow-up tag she's reading
• has on her "concerned face"

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