Tuesday, February 08, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: Speeding is Bad

Things we learned from Doug Walker's "Speed Zapper" report on Channel 6:
• Some cars zipped by a school at a breathtaking 42 miles per hour!
• Speeding is more likely to be a problem for schools located on busy streets!
• An elementary school principal worries that a student might be hit!
• While Walker was at one school demonstrating his prowess with the radar gun (and, no doubt, picking up tons of chicks in the process), a kid was hit near another school! (but speed wasn't a factor, he admitted, sounding disappointed)
• A faster-moving car is more likely to kill a pedestrian than is a slower-moving car. Statistics prove it!

Pat Persaud, recovering from a cold that makes her sound like the ghost of Lucille Ball, finds Doug's report "amazing." (We think it'd be more amazing to hear her say things like, "Oh Mr. Mooney, I really want to meet Robert Goulet!")

Walker's report really puts the pressure on Channel 7 to locate some excrement-laden food for tomorrow night's investigation of restaurant inspections. Is it any wonder we love February?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

why do these people do these stupid stories? do they think we're all idiots? more people might watch if they didn't insult our intlligence all the time.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't it embarrass them to do these stories?

Mike

newsguy05 said...

speed zapper stories are pure BS. yes people speed, but half the time with these guns that check speeds, they find people in a 25mph zone going, get ready for this one, 29! wow 4 over? what is this, nascar?

seriously, lets quit freaking out over shit like that ok? im talking to you doug walker and brian new. (hmm...those two guys are the ones that first hit my mind, maybe channel 6 gives the speed zapper stories to the lifeless, totally expressionless, and monotonous reporters in the hopes that one of those "speeding" cars will hit them...

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